Never feeling like I fit in or angst and fear in the modern age

I don't think I have ever fit in and maybe that's just my view of me and maybe everyone feels like that and I am just a dork. Well I know I'm a dork that goes without saying. I just put in a Chet baker cd so this post might get a little maudlin and that is kind of the mood I've been in lately so brace yourself. Growing up I did ballet everyone else did little league my parents had cocktails before dinner and we never ate before 7:30 my friends drank soda and were finished with dinner by 6pm. But being a square peg has been a major building block to my personality and one to be honest I am proud of. I don't want to fit in I never have. I am 43 years old and most days I still wear all black. Its just what I am comfortable in. I'm not saying I'm cool because I'm pretty sure I'm not and that too is okay..... Okay what does any of this have to do with trying to grow vegetables?

There are so many people that I have either come into contact with locally or through reading peoples blogs that are doing what I am trying to do in concept either on a much bigger scale or even a smaller scale and everyone is freaking 30 years old. OMG what the hell why did you all figure out what you wanted to do so many years before I did. What did you get that took me longer to get? I have lived here for 8 years why did it take me so long to figure it out? Why do I always feel like I missed the freaking bus? But on the other hand I am so happy all these young brilliant people are doing what they are doing reading their blogs about their own struggles is so inspiring I mean these kids are freaking working. Its freaking awesome.

So I walk around mumbling to myself you don't have sheep you don't have goats you don't offer a csa you don't have acres and acres you cant weed efficiently to save your life so what are you doing here? The fear and loathing sometimes get very loud in my head and then I have to take a deep breath and say you are doing what you are doing because growing vegetables on your little plot of land makes you unabashedly happy. So I have to yell at myself and say who gives a shit what anyone else is doing what is important is that you are doing what you want to do and do it the best you can even if it means you fail a lot. But failing ain't so bad I learn a lot from doing stupid stuff probably not when I'm doing whatever it is that is stupid or silly but later I usually learn. Well sometimes at least.

I guess I just would like to find the clubhouse labeled 40 somethings who have kinda figured it out but most likely probably not.