Blank canvases, art for art's sake and the path is the goal (still).

When I was a teenager all I wanted to do was be an artist but being practical I knew I didn't have the talent but I still tried the problem with me is technically I'm not so bad but I have absolutely no creativity. Well maybe not any but not enough by any means. But as I get older I realize I was on the wrong path. I should not try to do something to be the best at it I should try to do it for the sake of doing it. One of my favorite sayings is the path is the goal. And if you think about that hard enough you realize that the path should be the goal in just about anything and everything. But it is easy to lose sight of especially in the goal oriented society with live in. If I ever get another tattoo I think that will be it "the path is the goal" maybe with a koi or a Buddha or maybe with something that makes no sense like a picture of a dishwasher. Not sure where that just came from but oh well it made me laugh. My sense of humor likes non-sequitors.

My husband is actually the artist of our little family and I think that has held me back because when he is on his game his talent is INTIMIDATING but the sad thing is that over the past few years due to depression or maybe something else Tommy has stopped doing art. I hate to even think about it really and I try not too because its just all too much. When I first met him about 13 years ago or so that's all he did he was a tattoo artist but even when he wasn't tattooing he was drawing and painting and creating. But a few years back he had a few small strokes that made his hand wobble enough he had to give up tattooing and for some reason the art became less and less until it was non-existent. Now I don't buy the strokes mean he cant do art some of my favorite paintings he ever did were post stroke. Paintings were he left the tattoo art - the dragons, the skulls the women scantily clad with bat wings etc behind and started painting more from nature and man those paintings still blow me away.

I am not sure when it actually happened I don't think there was an exact time or moment but he has lost his muse and his desire to do art. I am sure its due to a major case of depression hes pretty much a classic case poor man sits on his couch and watches the same movies over and over again none of them exactly light- hearted....the shawshank redemption, snatch, and of course good fellas. All great movies to be sure (I hate movies now) but seriously should you see them 3 times each everyday. He has tried anti-depressants but so far we haven't found one that fits him and he is pretty good at self medicating with pot so good in fact he might as well be in a coma. I keep waiting for him to wake up to be the person I fell in love with and I still have hope that one day it will happen. Not that I don't love him now I do it just getting hard. But we are starting to get our heads out of the sand and take a hard look at what is wrong with the help of his doctor and hopefully we will figure out a treatment plan and he can wake up a bit and remember that he is alive.

Not sure where that all came from I haven't really written about it but maybe its time I did.  I hope you don't feel bad for me I don't really its all just part of life there are so many people that have it so much worse every minute of the day its just not optimal but that's okay when is life ever? Oh so back to me today I actually took a step I grabbed an old canvas of Tommy's and gessoed over it so now I have a blank canvas. I think I will attempt a self portrait maybe a bit ambitious after so long but what the hell I have a lot of gesso and I can always create another blank canvas.