The past bubbles into the present.

As often happens with big changes in life some feelings from the past have started to bubble up making me wonder why I am getting upset again about things that happened 20 years ago. Strange life is. But when a time frame from the past keeps coming up giving me that bad feeling in my stomach I figure its time to stop and examine why. This happened to me yesterday I kept dwelling on a time in my past that I guess in judging by how my stomach reacts when I revisit it in my mind i feel very vulnerable about. At first I thought it was due to an ex boyfriend showing up on facebook but as I kept thinking about it trying to get to the root of why the memories were bothering me it occurred to me that its probably because i am set to move. And in moving some of these old anxieties that I have been protecting myself from by secreting myself away in the country are bubbling up to the surface of my mind.  Normally this is not something I would write about but I am trying to be more authentic and true to my reality and maybe by sharing something that hurts that makes me feel vulnerable I can free myself a little from the past.

During college and in the years after I had a great group of friends we went out more than we should have and had some excellent adventures together. As time passed people went their separate ways and my best friend fell in love and moved to the Caribbean with her love and my other bestie lifelong friend found other people to hang out with. This is weird to write about because on the surface whats the big deal you had a really active social life and then not so much. It happens and to be honest its not like i didn't have any social interaction besides work and went feral I just ended up spending a lot of time alone. So why does this time feel like a dirty secret to me? And of course to make matters worse there was no boyfriend at the time either. To be honest (yikes) from the time the aforementioned high school boyfriend and I parted ways till the time 14 years later when I met my future husband I did not have a serious romantic relationship. Sure I had crushes (okay lots of crushes) and some dalliances here and there but nothing remotely serious. So I guess I was alone on more than one level.

Which is really not a big deal for me I have always understood the difference between being lonely and being alone but I guess if I was honest I was both at times but mainly okay with being on my own. So what does all of this have to do with the present? I think some of it stems with my realization that we are really currently hiding in the country and that is an excuse to not having a lot of friends. So this move to an actually town and a tiny country one at that has big implications for me and for us as a couple. Will we find friends? Not too many but just enough to invite over for dinner? Because nothing makes me happier on this earth then making dinner for people. The good thing about this little town is there is a ton to do so even if we dont make a lot of friends there is always something to do which will be so nice.

I am trying not to have any expectations. Just to let be what will be. Funny though family members are already lecturing me about being nice to my neighbors like I would be anything else? Just because I have lived nowhere for 11 years doesn't mean I forgot how to be a social person. I haven't actually gone feral. I do go to work everyday with lots of other people and I am quite a chatty well liked social person. Seriously not lying. But it will be an adjustment belonging somewhere or hopefully belonging somewhere. Worst case scenario things will be much like they are today but I will be able to have pizza and Chinese delivered. See only up from here. A good place to be in the beginning.

Scenes from life in a small town and thinking about fitting in.

Good news we closed on the house last week and all went well without a hitch. I stopped by a day or two later on my way home from work to get a feel for it and to be there by myself. I guess maybe I was feeling for ghosts. That's a paranoia of mine. Really it is. Good news I did not feel any malevolent forces lingering and besides being slightly smelly it felt good. Another reason I went after work is that i tend to obsess with how far things are and I wanted to measure the distance and time of my new commute. Why I worry about these things I really don't know. But i really like to measure time and distance. Good news its just over 30 miles and 46 minutes from work which is still a bit of a haul but an improvement from what I have now.

Took Tommy and the dogs over on Saturday and brought over a few boxes kind of like marking my territory. I felt much better when I had some things of ours there and it was no longer and empty lonely house. The dogs seemed happy and Booker capped the experience off by taking a poop on the floor. All the neighbors where in their yards raking the leaves and I secretly hoped that mine would blow away into their yards before I moved in. I hate raking. Already a bad neighbor and its two weeks until we move. Funny the way my head works I guess for some reason I pictured being greeted with open arms but instead all I really got was a few tentative waves which i immediately translated into that they knew my house was possessed by demons and didn't want to get involved or tell me the bad news. Yes this really is the way my brain works well at least for a short bit. I think my brain really like to be outrageous to make me laugh. Silly brain.

Went back to the new house on Sunday after packing up a few more boxes and packed up my little metal bar and a bookcase to bring over. Boy did I feel better once the house had a bookcase. I took some measurements and wondered how I was going to fit an antique bed into a room the size of a dime. I'm thinking guests are going to have to crawl over each other to get out the bed but what can you do. While I was upstairs all of a sudden there were sirens and horns blowing and what sounded like pure mayhem happening outside my new door. I went about my business admiring the bookcase and locking up and shrugged my shoulders about the din of sirens outside. Just said to myself just my luck finally move here and the town burns down. When I went outside I realized it was some sort of parade and we started to drive home.

About a mile from town the parade or whatever was looping around and we had to stop as they proceeded by....Booker had his cute little head out the window as the police car ambulance and fire truck passed with sirens blaring following by a wagon full of kids in their football and cheerleader uniforms proud parents in the school colors they all waived at Booker honking their horns and he didn't bark one yip maybe there is hope for this dog. Lulu who was also in the car doesn't like to stick her head out the window but she just sat and was calm which was good since she is the more neurotic of the two.

It was a strange experience for me I never went to a pep rally without being forced and I never went to one of my high school's football games I was one of those kids who was always too cool for school and I never wanted to support the dumb jocks who threw things at my mohawk as I passed by in the halls. But for some reason this small town's pep rally parade thing choked me up. I got a hold of myself because who tears up at a pep rally even one you didn't plan on attending? Maybe just maybe even though I have always purposefully kept myself on the outside of things I have always secretly wanted to belong. Maybe.

Right thing for the right reason but still a heavy heart.

Few out the back window. This will be hard to leave.

So much going on right now I am finding it hard to distill into words on a page. We close on the new house tomorrow. Part of me is really excited about it. I think this town will be a good fit for us and the house is adorable and just the right size with a nice big back yard for the dogs but I am struggling with leaving the country and my land. I love my land i love every square inch of it. The house is too big and too much work and I know I have to sell it not to only right my own economic ship but for the house's sake as well. It needs work and love that I cant give it in time to really save it. So as much as I know I am doing all the right things for all the right reasons my heart is breaking to leave my land. I gave my high tunnel away to a very deserving and hard working farmer who has enough troubles for a whole town full of people and as much as that felt great to finally be able to help the farmer out it hurt too. That was the place my high tunnel where I first learned how to grow vegetables in winter. But it wont fit in my new yard and as I have been farming less and less I really didn't need it. Again right thing to do for the right reasons but still hurts.

You would think that if you are doing the right thing for the right reasons in the best way you can that your heart would be light (I almost said and your future bright but I threw up in time to stop myself). I think this would be easier if we sold our present house before moving to a new one. But unfortunately that hasn't happened but I think this house will show better and hopefully sell empty without all of our stuff and four cats and two dogs and one messy husband in it. Fingers crossed. So a clean start might have been easier but its not in the cards. On the upside I can take what I want and need to the new house and have Frank the junk guy come get the rest. Nice thought that is. Clean start. I would say clean slate but as much I would like to say with moving you can start over but you never really do because unfortunately you bring yourself.

Trying to get my head around living near people again right now the nearest house is about a 1/4 mile away and in 11 years I have never met them. Funny the other day I was thinking about people where I live who I would want to tell that we were moving and I came up with a very short list. Okay every day I waive hello to a guy I pass on my way to work. I got upset thinking that I would just one day not drive bye anymore and was contemplating telling him i was moving so he wouldn't wonder where I was. The two ladies at Stewart's who are nice to me oh and my favorite is the dump master ruler of the town dump. Now you do notice the theme here right? These handful of people that might miss me or vice versa I do not know their names or can never remember them. How sad is that?  In my defense I really do live in the middle of nowhere but really that's all you got to show for community in 11 years.  Ouch now again in our defense we have had friends here come in and out of our lives but right now all I got is the two ladies at Stewart's the dump master and the guy trying to get in shape on my way to work.  Yes this is a main reason we are living the country and moving to town.

But it will still be tough for me I am used to being able to do whatever I want yell at the dogs chase chickens in my underwear listen to music as loud as I want and now I am going to have to learn how to behave myself in public again. Not to mention my dogs they (no fault of their own) are completely lawless. We drove to the new house today to look at it and my dog Booker has this thing that every time we go for a ride which he loves he has to take a poop. So he makes this certain kind of whine and I know its time to poop. So I usually pull over some where strange or in a store parking lot so he can poop. So anyway today I was like well we are in the area he can poop at the new house. But I grabbed the wrong leash and off he went chasing the soon to be neighbors cat. One of the only ways to get him back is to drive after him and beep the horn and then he remembers he loves the car so he usually comes running which he did thank goodness. But I don't even live there yet and I am already being loud and embarrassing. One of the first agendas is getting the dogs trained enough to be somewhat civilized wish me luck. I will try to do it myself but I think I will end up hiring a trainer. But my dogs usually surprise me being better than I think they are.

new house in town

Booker on the left looking innocent and Lulu looking out the window. I love my dogs.

Recipe: ZIti with Roasted Red Pepper Cream Sauce

Its cold outside and I don't have enough propane in the tank left over from last winter to turn the heat on. So instead I am sitting in bed with a sweater on with the dogs close by and writing about food. This is a great easy just a few ingredient dish that you probably have already in hand. It takes about as long to make as it does to boil your pasta water. Perfect quick late home from work get dinner on the table fast kind of recipe. 

Ziti with Red Pepper Cream Sauce

serves 2

1 medium onion chopped coarse

3 garlic cloves sliced

1 small jar roasted red pepper (my jar had one large pepper in it if you are roasting a fresh one)

1 tbs olive oil

8 oz pasta of your choice

½ cup cream (half and half is fine heavy cream would be great too)

1/4 cup parm or pecorino whatever you have on hand

salt

fresh ground black pepper

Fresh Basil if you have no big deal if you dont

more cheese

Bring water to boil in a pot you cook pasta in.

Over medium heat in a medium/large saute pan cook onions and garlic in olive oil until soft about 5-10 minutes. I usually add a bit of salt to get the onions juices flowing. 

Drain roasted pepper (s) and cut into chunks and toss in pan to heat through.

Puree pepper/onion/garlic mixture in food processor or with hand blender until smooth.

Meanwhile cook chosen pasta to chosen doneness.

In the same pan that you sauteed the vegetables in heat red pepper puree until it comes back to the bubble turn heat down to low add cream and heat until warm turn off heat and add cheese.

Drain pasta add to sauce and coat. You might want to save a bit of the pasta water just in case the sauce is too thick. Adjust to your taste with salt and maybe some fresh basil if you have it.

Serve with a good grinding of black pepper and of course more cheese.

Trying "Normal" on for size and maybe its not always about me.

We almost had an offer on the house. Almost but they backed away when they came to their senses. But at least its a step in the right direction and I had a feeling of hope for a short while at least. But getting the offer got me to thinking what if they really do buy the house where are you going to go? Yikes good question. I played with the idea of moving my husband two dogs and four cats into my parents basement but that really just doesn't sound very plausible I mean someone is not coming out of that one alive.

Now when I originally started getting my head around leaving here and started to drive around upstate NY looking for home there were plenty of options that had a nice small house and at least 5 acres.  For some reason the 5 acres was super important to me why because I didn't want lack of land to hold me back if i suddenly woke up and wanted to be a goat farmer or have a horse at home which is the holy grail of lifetime dreams for me and then there is this whole Gone with the wind thing land is the most important thing thing.

So anyway for the past year and a half I have been looking for land. I even went so far a week or so ago to consider 50 acres and a rustic cabin. That went out the window when I went to look at the property and my 4 wheel drive little Honda couldn't actually make it up the crazy road leading to the rustic cabin. It had one hell of a view but i wisely said hell I cant live there if I cant drive there. What am I going to do zip line in with groceries?  Over lunch one lazy Sunday i was telling my mom about this 50 acres and she was being really supportive as always but I could tell she was really thinking why cant you just be normal. Why does everything have to be difficult what are you trying to prove?

My other plan was to buy land and build a small house but really do I have the patience now to go through all that permits and problems and worrying about the budget so this past weekend I had a serious talk with myself and I said you know the town you want to live in and since for some reason there is not one house in your price range with the land you want so why don't we switch directions and look in town. Wow town could life really be that easy? Actually live somewhere where someone might deliver Chinese or pizza? Be able to walk somewhere besides deeper into the bush? Now don't get me wrong I am not sure I am going to be able to handle this but with Tommy's health problems making him live in the country without a car and with no where to go is probably not the best recipe for a happy marriage. I guess it shouldn't always about me.

So onto the wonderful web I went and low and behold I found a little Greek Revival on a quiet street a block or so from town with a nice big almost half acre back yard. So I could garden my little heart out and the yard is already fenced in for dogs so Booker could actually run free instead of being tied up when he is outside because of his flight risk status. There is even room for a pool not a pony but a pool if we wanted. The house has the classic clean lines and character i love and doesn't seem to be in bad shape needs a new kitchen but to be honest any house I move into needs a new kitchen. There is even a man room for Tommy. And wait for it....i can afford it...GASP! Oh and I can bring my chickens too.

So here is to thinking about moving to town it popped into my head the other day that I have been hiding for 10 years in the country. As I was talking to myself and I said to myself haven't you hid long enough? Hmmm wonder what I have been hiding from?

Snakes on a plane or in this case in a car.

So as you guessed from the title strange things happen to me sometimes. So yesterday driving home from work heading north on I-87 in the left hand land doing about 72 or so and I look to the left of the wheel and there is a freaking snake looking back at me. Yes you read correctly a freaking snake. Now luckily I am not a very dramatic person for instance I would never get on a game show I show excitement with a slight smile you would probably never see me jump for joy or scream with excitement just not me. But seeing the snake did cause me to yelp and put my hand to my throat. Why do you think we do that what good is putting your hand to your throat? Is it maybe a gut instinct to always protect your throat? Why don't we pat the top of our heads or make some other gesture?

My first thought is I must capture the snake who by this point I have named Stan and I look at him and go dude nowhere for me to pull over you are coming home with me I guess. Now I have a checkered past with capturing or herding animals I like to think I am really good at it but if I am honest with myself I usually end up doing more harm then good. The farmer who used to own the land around my house actually kept dairy cows on it and sometimes they would escape. I would get all excited and run out to help and invariably I would end up sending them in the opposite direction and about a mile away. But I always loved the drama of being out there with the big ladies of milk. Luckily the farmer never witnessed me trying to "help". Shhhh.

Okay so back to Stan the snake so I stop at an ATM to get some cash out and I find a nice area where I think Stan could survive and take a straw and try and edge him towards the window or me so I can grab him. No such luck he disappears into the workings of my Honda and I drive off figuring well if Stan got himself into the Honda hopefully he can get himself out. It briefly occurred to me that someone planted Stan so I would have a heart attack when he showed himself or I would cause a huge pile up on the highway. But then it occurred to me that number one I am not afraid of snakes and number two you would probably have to find a slightly larger snake. So with the conspiracy theories fading fast I start to drive home and I even turned off the air conditioning figure Stan probably likes heat vs cold. He did give me another scare when he dangled from the roof off the car again I gasped and reached for my throat. He hid again at the sound of my gasp never to be seen again. I assume he got back out the way he came.

So long Stan happy trails to you.

finally the house is in the market and I have never cleaned so much in my life.

The house finally went on the market last week. I wasn't really ready for it but before I knew it pop there is was. And because it is REALLY priced to sell we are getting some action that I am not really prepared for. So I clean and clean and clean and sometimes mow and then clean and clean.... Have I ever mentioned that I am not a neat person? I am at work which is kind of strange I actually have a bottle of spray cleaner on my desk. Not sure why I am OCD at work and not at home. Oh who knows us humans are a strange bunch.

At home I am more of a do the dishes every few days if that and now i have to do the dishes ALWAYS omg what a pain in the ass. And its an old house really old talking 1775 so this old lady is not easy to clean. The stuff that lives between the old floor boards is epic I imagine whole universes living their little lives down there ignoring my attempts to suck them up with my dyson.

So in the last week I think we had 3 showings and its exhausting running home from work praying there is no traffic fixing what I can cleaning what I can and turning a blind eye on the myriad of things that are glaring in their need to be done. Then hustle the dogs and the husband into the car and figure out where to go for an hour. But it will be worth it if I can find that certain someone who will love this house and land like I did and want to return this grand lady to her former beauty.

Today is Sunday and I had a pretty lazy day coffee and breakfast making followed by shopping and lunch with my mom followed by a nap of epic proportions man I am surprised I woke up at all. So as I was contemplating a tall frosty glass of wine to combat the heat and maybe just maybe scratching something together for dinner my phone beeps and guess what? Someone wants to look at the house tomorrow at 1:30 so up I get and clean I do. I have 4 cats and one of them has taken to pooping in strange places so I go on poop patrol to find any stray poops and then keep putting stuff away one weird pile after the other.

The good thing is I think I might become a neat person after this. I woke up earlier than usual on Friday due to work stress and instead of just chilling out watching scooby doo (the dogs like it I swear) I made a cup of coffee and actually not only un-loaded the dishwasher but loaded it again. OMG that has never happened before. I made breakfast today and I cleaned it up right after we were done. OMG that happens sometimes but nah not really.

So wish me luck. I'm tired but happy people are looking and that's a good thing. .

Take a look if you like if you are handy and want a project it could just be the house for you.
http://www.zillow.com/homes/1237-west-river-rd-12831_rb/