The past bubbles into the present.

As often happens with big changes in life some feelings from the past have started to bubble up making me wonder why I am getting upset again about things that happened 20 years ago. Strange life is. But when a time frame from the past keeps coming up giving me that bad feeling in my stomach I figure its time to stop and examine why. This happened to me yesterday I kept dwelling on a time in my past that I guess in judging by how my stomach reacts when I revisit it in my mind i feel very vulnerable about. At first I thought it was due to an ex boyfriend showing up on facebook but as I kept thinking about it trying to get to the root of why the memories were bothering me it occurred to me that its probably because i am set to move. And in moving some of these old anxieties that I have been protecting myself from by secreting myself away in the country are bubbling up to the surface of my mind.  Normally this is not something I would write about but I am trying to be more authentic and true to my reality and maybe by sharing something that hurts that makes me feel vulnerable I can free myself a little from the past.

During college and in the years after I had a great group of friends we went out more than we should have and had some excellent adventures together. As time passed people went their separate ways and my best friend fell in love and moved to the Caribbean with her love and my other bestie lifelong friend found other people to hang out with. This is weird to write about because on the surface whats the big deal you had a really active social life and then not so much. It happens and to be honest its not like i didn't have any social interaction besides work and went feral I just ended up spending a lot of time alone. So why does this time feel like a dirty secret to me? And of course to make matters worse there was no boyfriend at the time either. To be honest (yikes) from the time the aforementioned high school boyfriend and I parted ways till the time 14 years later when I met my future husband I did not have a serious romantic relationship. Sure I had crushes (okay lots of crushes) and some dalliances here and there but nothing remotely serious. So I guess I was alone on more than one level.

Which is really not a big deal for me I have always understood the difference between being lonely and being alone but I guess if I was honest I was both at times but mainly okay with being on my own. So what does all of this have to do with the present? I think some of it stems with my realization that we are really currently hiding in the country and that is an excuse to not having a lot of friends. So this move to an actually town and a tiny country one at that has big implications for me and for us as a couple. Will we find friends? Not too many but just enough to invite over for dinner? Because nothing makes me happier on this earth then making dinner for people. The good thing about this little town is there is a ton to do so even if we dont make a lot of friends there is always something to do which will be so nice.

I am trying not to have any expectations. Just to let be what will be. Funny though family members are already lecturing me about being nice to my neighbors like I would be anything else? Just because I have lived nowhere for 11 years doesn't mean I forgot how to be a social person. I haven't actually gone feral. I do go to work everyday with lots of other people and I am quite a chatty well liked social person. Seriously not lying. But it will be an adjustment belonging somewhere or hopefully belonging somewhere. Worst case scenario things will be much like they are today but I will be able to have pizza and Chinese delivered. See only up from here. A good place to be in the beginning.

Scenes from life in a small town and thinking about fitting in.

Good news we closed on the house last week and all went well without a hitch. I stopped by a day or two later on my way home from work to get a feel for it and to be there by myself. I guess maybe I was feeling for ghosts. That's a paranoia of mine. Really it is. Good news I did not feel any malevolent forces lingering and besides being slightly smelly it felt good. Another reason I went after work is that i tend to obsess with how far things are and I wanted to measure the distance and time of my new commute. Why I worry about these things I really don't know. But i really like to measure time and distance. Good news its just over 30 miles and 46 minutes from work which is still a bit of a haul but an improvement from what I have now.

Took Tommy and the dogs over on Saturday and brought over a few boxes kind of like marking my territory. I felt much better when I had some things of ours there and it was no longer and empty lonely house. The dogs seemed happy and Booker capped the experience off by taking a poop on the floor. All the neighbors where in their yards raking the leaves and I secretly hoped that mine would blow away into their yards before I moved in. I hate raking. Already a bad neighbor and its two weeks until we move. Funny the way my head works I guess for some reason I pictured being greeted with open arms but instead all I really got was a few tentative waves which i immediately translated into that they knew my house was possessed by demons and didn't want to get involved or tell me the bad news. Yes this really is the way my brain works well at least for a short bit. I think my brain really like to be outrageous to make me laugh. Silly brain.

Went back to the new house on Sunday after packing up a few more boxes and packed up my little metal bar and a bookcase to bring over. Boy did I feel better once the house had a bookcase. I took some measurements and wondered how I was going to fit an antique bed into a room the size of a dime. I'm thinking guests are going to have to crawl over each other to get out the bed but what can you do. While I was upstairs all of a sudden there were sirens and horns blowing and what sounded like pure mayhem happening outside my new door. I went about my business admiring the bookcase and locking up and shrugged my shoulders about the din of sirens outside. Just said to myself just my luck finally move here and the town burns down. When I went outside I realized it was some sort of parade and we started to drive home.

About a mile from town the parade or whatever was looping around and we had to stop as they proceeded by....Booker had his cute little head out the window as the police car ambulance and fire truck passed with sirens blaring following by a wagon full of kids in their football and cheerleader uniforms proud parents in the school colors they all waived at Booker honking their horns and he didn't bark one yip maybe there is hope for this dog. Lulu who was also in the car doesn't like to stick her head out the window but she just sat and was calm which was good since she is the more neurotic of the two.

It was a strange experience for me I never went to a pep rally without being forced and I never went to one of my high school's football games I was one of those kids who was always too cool for school and I never wanted to support the dumb jocks who threw things at my mohawk as I passed by in the halls. But for some reason this small town's pep rally parade thing choked me up. I got a hold of myself because who tears up at a pep rally even one you didn't plan on attending? Maybe just maybe even though I have always purposefully kept myself on the outside of things I have always secretly wanted to belong. Maybe.