Friday, November 6, 2015

The past bubbles into the present.

As often happens with big changes in life some feelings from the past have started to bubble up making me wonder why I am getting upset again about things that happened 20 years ago. Strange life is. But when a time frame from the past keeps coming up giving me that bad feeling in my stomach I figure its time to stop and examine why. This happened to me yesterday I kept dwelling on a time in my past that I guess in judging by how my stomach reacts when I revisit it in my mind i feel very vulnerable about. At first I thought it was due to an ex boyfriend showing up on facebook but as I kept thinking about it trying to get to the root of why the memories were bothering me it occurred to me that its probably because i am set to move. And in moving some of these old anxieties that I have been protecting myself from by secreting myself away in the country are bubbling up to the surface of my mind.  Normally this is not something I would write about but I am trying to be more authentic and true to my reality and maybe by sharing something that hurts that makes me feel vulnerable I can free myself a little from the past.

During college and in the years after I had a great group of friends we went out more than we should have and had some excellent adventures together. As time passed people went their separate ways and my best friend fell in love and moved to the Caribbean with her love and my other bestie lifelong friend found other people to hang out with. This is weird to write about because on the surface whats the big deal you had a really active social life and then not so much. It happens and to be honest its not like i didn't have any social interaction besides work and went feral I just ended up spending a lot of time alone. So why does this time feel like a dirty secret to me? And of course to make matters worse there was no boyfriend at the time either. To be honest (yikes) from the time the aforementioned high school boyfriend and I parted ways till the time 14 years later when I met my future husband I did not have a serious romantic relationship. Sure I had crushes (okay lots of crushes) and some dalliances here and there but nothing remotely serious. So I guess I was alone on more than one level.

Which is really not a big deal for me I have always understood the difference between being lonely and being alone but I guess if I was honest I was both at times but mainly okay with being on my own. So what does all of this have to do with the present? I think some of it stems with my realization that we are really currently hiding in the country and that is an excuse to not having a lot of friends. So this move to an actually town and a tiny country one at that has big implications for me and for us as a couple. Will we find friends? Not too many but just enough to invite over for dinner? Because nothing makes me happier on this earth then making dinner for people. The good thing about this little town is there is a ton to do so even if we dont make a lot of friends there is always something to do which will be so nice.

I am trying not to have any expectations. Just to let be what will be. Funny though family members are already lecturing me about being nice to my neighbors like I would be anything else? Just because I have lived nowhere for 11 years doesn't mean I forgot how to be a social person. I haven't actually gone feral. I do go to work everyday with lots of other people and I am quite a chatty well liked social person. Seriously not lying. But it will be an adjustment belonging somewhere or hopefully belonging somewhere. Worst case scenario things will be much like they are today but I will be able to have pizza and Chinese delivered. See only up from here. A good place to be in the beginning.

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