I am suffering from my usual end of year crisis of just about everything. I suddenly morph into an existential basket case questioning everything and finding few answers. Basically I become a character straight out of a Woody Allen film. It has become a sort of rite of passage towards the ending of many if not most years for me.
I read my post from this time last year and it cracked me up (curious? Resolutions or Intentions? Maudlin and Miasma.) But I thought it was a good place to start to remember in my own words what was on my mind last year and to judge whether I have moved forward if at all.
So 2016? Sold the old house. Yes! Took a total bath but who cares it is no longer the proverbial albatross around my neck. No more worries about the house falling about before it could be sold! The job has improved due to a new boss and new bosses boss and things are copacetic and like I have written previously I might not be following a dream or setting the world on fire with whatever but there are perks to working for the man and I finally feeling settled with the yoke of corporate america firmly around my neck. (curious? Ode to Corporate America.).
Tommy….hmmm this one not so clear and not so great. Over the past year we have seen two different neurologists had scores of tests gone round and round in circles but without getting any closer to a diagnosis. I am trying to convince him to go down to Albany Med and see a neurosurgeon to have a lumbar puncture done which should really give us a clearer picture of whats going on. Tommy is a little defeated not that I blame him I cant even imagine what its like to be him right now. But I need some answers and if it is a genetic or degenerative brain disease I need to know what we are in for. Fingers crossed that this murky picture will become clearer in the upcoming year for better or for worse.
So my first year in this wonderful small town? I think we made the right decision in moving here. I love this house so much it makes me smile every time I pull up and see its cute exterior. My neighborhood is more than I could have hoped for people are so willing to help which is so appreciated. It is not easy for me to ask for help but the good people around me have made it much easier for me. I wrote about it here Learning new tricks. Accepting help when offered.
I might not have set the town on fire with my friend making ability but I a few people know my name which is nice. This is a small town where everyone really does know everyone from young to old I love watching people coming into the local pub and literally know everyone in the place it really warms my heart. And being the text-book introvert watching is just fine with me. But a goal of me this year is to continue letting my guard down inch by inch and being open to forging some friendships. An old friend and one of my pseudo kids (he lived with us for a few years during his teens) has moved back home a town or two away and I have really enjoyed getting to know him again along with his beautiful fiance Emily and their cute pup Bartelby. They have a really fun life and they don’t seem to mind when the old lady comes over and hangs out like she’s a kid.
Creativity? I was asked to join a writing class taught by a friend and mentor which has become a wonder for me a true bright spot in my everyday life. The people in the class are interesting and warm and all gifted writers in many different and wonderful ways. Of course the minute he invited me into the class I fantasized that the genius writer that was trapped inside of me would be unleashed and I would have my essays printed in the New Yorker (secret dream shhh). This of course had led me to take myself very seriously and probably put too much pressure on my writing. I need to just let it flow. I am not even sure why I write and what if any my goals are. My mother has suggested I write a book about the middle ages a period in time that I am utterly obsessed with geared to young adults. I am flattered that she thinks I am capable I am not so sure myself but it is definitely something to think about.
I finally had to smoke a joint the other day. Seriously it was a health issue I swear. And man I have to tell you the stress just left me all the who am I who do I want to be why this why that why not this and why not that just disappeared at least for a short while. I literally felt the stress melt off my body it was one of the best thing I have done in a long time. I just started smiling too an ear to ear smile just looking out the window at all the beauty in front of me and smiling like a fool. I have to remember that and smoke a joint once in a while in the upcoming year. So along with finding some good people to be close too, continue trying to be creative for no reason at all, continue asking for help when I need it and smoking a joint when I need it too are my intentions for the upcoming year.
I like new years it makes you examine who you are for better or for worse just don’t get too carried away like I do but I am sure good reader you dont take yourself so damn seriously. So cheers to 2017! 2016 in some ways has been okay and in some ways has been a total fuck of a year. The upcoming years should be interesting to say the least! I wish you all a splendid 2017!