Being stubborn and hoping for the best.

After a busy summer micro farming I finally took some time out to start to clean the house hopefully it will get me jump started to getting the house ready to sell. I can't believe how bad I let the house get I can't believe the things I found (yuck gross). But I think living with someone who is suffering a profound depression and has for quite some time has dragged me down so much I could no longer see or care what was happening around me. Now just ask my mother I have always been messy but this is taking it to new heights the Discovery Channel could walk in and start filming a new reality show. I think one of my problems is sheer stubbornness see I work a full time job in corporate America have a long commute and because apparently I am bonkers I have added farming to my life so my free time especially in the growing season is minimal now add the fact that the husband is totally and completely unemployed I think he should clean the house. Now he agrees in principle but apparently disagrees in practice. Frustrating to say the least.

Now the rub is that we need to move we need to move badly for several reasons. First of all there are only two of us and we live in an historic 2700 square foot colonial house built in 1775 and it is completely terrifying to own.  You are always waiting for the next shoe to drop now this would be okay if we had something like a savings account okay well I have one theres just like $45 bucks in it so it's not much help when things go wrong. So to save my mental health and sanity it's time to down size the house and upsize the land I need some land people land all my own.  Living in the midst of someone else's 196 acre lot of rolling corn fields is wonderful but their land not mine.  Also we have no community where we are there is a Stewarts (of course) a company the makes flags and um well that's it. It's one of those places that unless you grew up here or have joined the volunteer fire department friends are hard to find.  Lastly money we need to find a situation we can truly afford.  So there are the reasons to move oh one more I think the house is a bit haunted....

Tommy swears it's the house that depressing him and in away I agree because it's overwhelming but I also know that you bring your troubles with you. Don't we all wish when we pack up to move we could put all the bad things we don't want to deal with in a box that gets left behind? I turned 45 this week and I know that as much as it's a lovely thought it just doesn't happen.  I hope he is not too shocked when we finally do move that he still wants to sit in a room with the curtains drawn watching certain movies over and over and over again. I hope it's not the case but I think I know better. What is the saying hope for the best but expect the worst?

Welcome to the jungle and silencing the haters in my head.

this is just a picture i found mine is actually worse. yes worse. 

I haven't posted probably a lot this growing season about my little side business 3 dogs barking farms maybe a mention here and there but I think my blog has taken another direction and has become more of a creative entity talking more about the human condition with a good dash of humor thrown into the pot and less about the daily dealings of a small fry vegetable grower. But I do still try and grow vegetables to sell at work and at a small farmers market so here is an update on how the year has gone so far.  As usual the one thing I have REALLY excelled at is growing weeds I have all types sizes and breeds and maybe have even cross bred some new ones along the way. They are tall and mighty and stand a good chance of blotting out the sun if I am not careful.  My little garden resembles more the jungles of Vietnam then a vegetable garden in upstate NY but that's pretty par for the course around here I usually manage to stay ahead of the game until some intangible moment in the season where the weeds brush me and my efforts aside and just freaking take over. If you looked at the garden you would probably even have a hard time seeing vegetables I mean I know they are  in there and I even know where most of them are which of course comes in handy when it comes time to harvest.

So I have resorted to cutting the weeds or small trees that they have become down with a lopper you can't pull weeds this size you will end up pulling the vegetable up with it. I cleared a whole path today between the a row of beans and a row of tomatoes. It was kind of nice sitting under this canopy of weeds finding my vegetables see that's how tall they are you can sit under them and nobody would be able to find you. Funny thing early yesterday morning when I was desperately trying to find something to pick to bring to market I swear I could only find a handful of beans and frankly went to market with a paltry offering but low and behold today as I am clearing them from the weeds freaking so many beans were there my head almost exploded well maybe it was just early yesterday and I had no coffee and was running late as usual trying to get down to Ballston Spa. So the beans had a good laugh at my expense but you do know whats on the menu tonight for dinner right? you got it beans! I think I will grill them along with some sweet spare ribs I bought for dinner today.

Its been a great year for growing things not too cold not too hot not too wet not too dry and so far I think I am doing pretty well except for the weeds of course. It does get overwhelming sometimes when you had a long day at work and you come home to do more work outside and all you see is a sea of weeds but you seriously just have to quiet the panic in your head stop yourself from jumping on the riding mover and mowing the whole thing down take a deep breath and say to yourself you have been here before you are on vacation all this week you have plenty of time to take care of the weeds plow new rows and get the last plantings in for fall. Here's hoping I am blessed with lots of energy this week I am sure I am going to need it along with many many many deep breaths. Someone might want to hide the keys to the mower.

On our Nations Birthday Tommy tries to give birth to a kidney stone no not a nation.

Omg when I found this image of kidney stones I wanted to form a band agony pain and misery.

Day off today from work to celebrate our nations birthday and before I even got out of bed my husband said we need to go to our parents my stomach hurts and I want to take a bath. Now this might seem like an odd request but in my life its totally normal see my husband has been battling what we think are kidney stones and was due to get the tests done on Tuesday paired with the fact that we are out of propane and take that piece of information digest it and realize no propane no hot water. Now I got paid yesterday but just haven't had a chance to order the propane and honestly I have gotten used to cold showers they are kind of nice in summer and I like to punish myself I think sometimes make things harder for myself than they need be payback for sins I guess I think I have committed. For some reason when Tommy (husband) doesn't feel well or is pain he wants to take a bath so him waking me up saying we need to go to your parents to take a bath doesn't sound as strange to my ears as I am sure it does yours.

So we drive the 18 miles or so to Saratoga to my parents and walk in and demand a bath luckily my mother is in possession of a very swank tub that you can actually float in so Tommy deposits himself in the tube I leave the merman to his business and make a cup of coffee. Luckily enough for me my parents' good friend Pat Keane is visiting so I get to sit down over coffee and have adult intelligent conversation for some time. I love Pat Keane one of the smartest people I know I first met him after hearing countless stories about him (he was an almost mythical creature to me) about 20 years ago and we got talking about college (pat is a retired college professor and has written tomes on Emerson etc) and he asked me what my major was and thinking i would awe him I said philosophy and for some reason we started talking about Hegel. Now Hegel I have never gotten I am still trying to read and understand or maybe I would just settle for being able to read his phenomenology of spirit but even at 44 years old i cannot manage it. So I tell pat that 20 or so years ago and I remember he just looked at me (with a little pity in his kind eyes) and said really? I always though Hegel was talking about a b c d  e and summed it all up for me basically in a nutshell. Damn not a smart as i think i am am i? 

An hour or two pass Pat leaves for home and I finally pry Tommy out of the tub as I had planned a full day of farming and the dogs were home and probably needed to use the bathroom. But as we ventured home I finally clued into how much pain he was in and said would you like to go to urgent care? And to my dismay he said yes as my plans for getting things done today flew out the window. But I swallowed my dismay ( I was kind of a shit to be honest) and said okay lets go. I really thought going to urgent care would be a fruitless waste of time but to my surprise in under two hours we got an exam pain pills a pee test a blood test and a cats can all to confirm yes Tommy has a kidney stone. The staff was really awesome and did not seem bitter that they were spending the holiday talking to the likes of us. So armed with prescriptions and instruction on how to sieve your pee for stone home we went to relieve the poor dogs. 

Didn't get anything done I thought i would today but I feel better getting a final diagnosis for T than waiting till Tuesday he was in so much pain it was scary he turned quite pink to be honest. Going back to my parents tonight for a cookout (told Tommy he couldn't get back into the tub every time he goes everywhere trust me that tub is awesome) then home to pick some salad mix and radishes for market tomorrow. Will battle peas, beets, chard and lettuce in the dawn hours tomorrow. No rest for the wicked slightly annoyed wife of sick person who always is punishing herself for imagined sins and slights against the world. I should stop that I really should. Happy 4th everyone enjoy and don't blow your fingers off and have to go to urgent care. 

who do you pray to when you dont believe in god?

 

One good thing about being an atheist is that I don't have to worry to much about the big questions heaven hell purgatory oh where will I end up have I been good enough or have I been bad enough? It takes a lot of pressure off a person so honestly I just try to be as good as I can be because its the right way to be not because of any punishment or rewards. But this isn't a manifesto about religion its just me thinking my thoughts. And I don't even know if I really consider myself an atheist I just don't happen to believe in any religion we have come up with so far it doesn't mean I am not open to it or wouldn't believe if the opportunity arose. If God say hey EB here I am believe I wouldn't say well hell no I would say oh there you are okay I get it now. See I am not unreasonable.

But anyway back to my topic so when you are an atheist and you really really want something and all you want to do is drop to your knees by the side of your bed like a little kid and pray with all your heart with your eyes shut tight what do you do? So like I predicted I knew I would know my new home when I saw it and its not like anything I would have thought I would fall in love with. And honestly I haven't even seen pictures of the inside but I don't care that is what I want. But now the tough part comes can I get my present debacle of a house together in time to sell it quick so I can buy my little cabin on the side of a hill with the prettiest view ever? That's when I want to drop to my knees and pray pray pray but I guess instead I will just have to start working my butt off get the house on the market and see what happens. I guess winning the lottery is out doesn't seem to be a reliable answer to my problems. Oh little cabin wont you be mine?

Off to NYC and thinking thoughts for my dog.

It's that time of year again where my mom and I escape to New York for a weekend of art food and ballet. We are on the train now sitting in Albany I love to train ride especially the part where you ride along the Hudson truly beautiful and I love the Hudson it's my favorite river.  Unfortunately my mom chose seats behind three chatting women so I might not make it to NYC with my mind intact they are showing each other videos of their dogs and talking on their phones now while we wait. Seriously someone might not make it out of here alive. I like to think I am a patient person but secretley I am not. Shhhh.  I don't mean to begrudge the ladies a good time but it's early why don't we have some quiet time instead I am willing to bribe you seriously I am. Apparently they have planned my nightmare NYC trip a broadway show the nbc studios etc etc but again who am I to judge?  I am sure there are many who would rather take a bullet then go to museums and see ballet three nights in a row.

I swear booker was depressed this morning this is the third time this month the suitcase has come out and he was very subdued and not his normal maniac self or maybe it was something he ate. I try not to put human type feelings on my pets but sometimes you just can't help yourself can you? He is normally a bit of a nut in the morning (ok always) but today he just sat in my lap looking sad while I played with my iPad waiting to go. But again lord knows what was going through his head I can't even teach him to shake so the chances of this dog being capable of deep thought is probably slim.

I brought dog treats with me for the homeless people with pets not sure if I will have the balls to hand them out or not I can be strange like that I can have all the best intentions and at the last minute fail to deliver I like to think its part of my charm but honestly it's just annoying.

Cheers for now more to follow.

Remembrances of office buildings past and off to NYC for some fun.

Strange the things i find interesting. The hotel we stayed at this weekend just happened to look out on a few of the office buildings I had worked in when I lived in CT. Don't know why  I found these pictures so poignant it was almost like looking at an old family album. I looked at each building and remembered the jobs I had had the people i had worked with. It was almost like looking out at old friends those buildings of glass and steel. What a different life I led then to the one I lead now neither one better than the other just a person in a different place at a different time. Still work in an office but now the office building is on top of a paper mill talk about Yankee ingenuity in good old upstate NY why build a separate building right?

Also fell in love with the crosses on the church next door. I was reading a murder mystery set in medieval England at the time maybe that's why I kept fixating on them or maybe I finally found god in Stamford, CT. I jest.

Last day home today before my Mom and I take our annual trip to NYC to eat good food go to museums and spend our nights at the Ballet. I am truly looking forward to it I need a break right now bad and a weekend in NYC with my fabulous mother is just the ticket. I am sitting in bed with the dogs and the cat while its crappy rainy and wet out writing when I should be out finishing up what I have to do before I leave farm wise. But its cold and damp and bed and writing seems like a better idea. But there is no rest for the wicked so I better go re-mulch the garlic and see if its too wet out to take another pass with the tiller. I have to keep reminding myself that what ever I get done now I dont have to do when I get back.

A visit to my old hometown putting to rest a great lady and the road to Inverness.

On the way to the cemetery this part of my home town is largely huge houses behind huge walls.

This past weekend my parents and I drove down to our old home town in CT to meet up with the rest of the family to bury my grandmother Dorothy's ashes who died last December at the great age of 102. As timing had it we actually buried her on her 103rd birthday kismet i think. I have a strange relationship with death I don't always think its a bad thing or maybe even often think its a good thing. My grandmother was ready to go and took the matter into her own hands and stopped eating she had made her mind up and god bless her for it. I think the notion of keeping people alive when they want to die is a form of torture people should be given a way out when they need one I know I know there must be religious and cultural reasons this isn't the way things are but I don't have that burden I am an atheist. Why would any God want us to suffer oh scratch that what a loaded question and I don't have the strength, time or knowledge to argue comparative religion right now.

After the service at the cemetery we all got into our cars and made our way to my Brother Dave's restaurant Cafe Mirage and had lunch together. As sad as saying farewell to my Grandmother (who last time I saw her on her 100th bday came over to me and patted me on my end and said you were also such a good girl) it was so nice to spend time and catch up with my extended family which of course in the modern world we live in I do not get to see very often. We enjoyed the beautiful food my brother had prepared had a few drinks and told great stories making us laugh out loud and wipe our eyes at the same time. A fitting tribute to be sure  she was a great lady.

the great grand kids

I will share my favorite Dot story. About 15 years ago or so some of the family decided we would rent a house in Scotland for a small family reunion. One day we decided we would take Dot up to Inverness where her father was born so my parents, dot and I get into the rental car and make our way North. Not very far into our trip the traffic comes to a halt due to a horrific car accident and we are stuck for hours in non moving traffic. My dad has little to no patience when it comes to things like this and the tension was running high. Thankfully my Grandmother by this point in her life was pretty deaf so my dad's mumblings and swearings under his breath were lost on her. My mother promptly found a xanax in her purse took it and looked at me and said i love you daughter but there are limits. Finally traffic eases and we make our way to Inverness after what felt like an epic battle. Nobody had the foresight to research things to do in Inverness so we found a pub and had a great lunch my father commented to his mother well at least you have now seen Inverness in which she replied oh I have been here before. Yes I thought my dads head would explode.

Grandma Dot on her 100th bday,