Tuesday, October 29, 2013
Where is the couch Freud and looking a more meaningful life.
Life. Life is not easy right now its not terrible but its not great either. Nowhere that I want to be. I want to be living a life of meaning and purpose and I don't think I am there not nearly there at all Life can be so bleak and you see it everyday you see it so hard you almost feel bad ever feeling bad for yourself because there is ample proof that probably a good percentage of the world has it far worse. But does that discount your own hurt just because you have a full belly? I don't know. I know I always always have to be thankful thankful for the life I have the family I have the place I live the animals who share my life but sometimes I struggle with not feeling it. Its like I am a character in my own play and I am not owning it I know the lines to the play but they aren't coming out right. Does this make sense? I think it comes down to knowing that I can do better and I better get at it life is flashing by and I am almost half way done at 44 if I am lucky.
So what is my plan? Not really sure but I think one of the ways to get more grounded is by creativity. Growing season is over and I know I get a little lost it in all during the summer I get lost or maybe found with my hands and feet in the soil working my ass off to produce food. I have never had a goal like that before an all consuming goal that makes my mind so active its hard to turn off and my heart pound with joy at the successes and even at the failures. I understand failure I have always been well tapped into the dark side of feelings. But when winter comes I think I get a little lost I have lost in a way that purpose so newly found. Oh man do you think I am hiding from myself in growing food? Freud where is the couch dammit!
So being a Virgo I have to have a plan because I can see now where I want to be the kind of person I think I can be and enjoying the life I have been given and sorry but in being an atheist I am pretty sure this is the only shot I will get at it. I think to chase all the hobgoblins of fear and angst away I am going to embark on a campaign of creativity. Now I can paint but I cant draw but I am getting more and more drawn to the fiber art. Last year I began knitting during the winter with some strange result and this year is the year of the quilt. I cant wait to try and teach myself how to quilt. Hey its beautiful and practical whats better than that! So here is trying to ground myself and to feel connection and wonder in this world by creating a bit. Here's hoping it gets me through the dark times until growing season begins again.