Blank canvases, art for art's sake and the path is the goal (still).

When I was a teenager all I wanted to do was be an artist but being practical I knew I didn't have the talent but I still tried the problem with me is technically I'm not so bad but I have absolutely no creativity. Well maybe not any but not enough by any means. But as I get older I realize I was on the wrong path. I should not try to do something to be the best at it I should try to do it for the sake of doing it. One of my favorite sayings is the path is the goal. And if you think about that hard enough you realize that the path should be the goal in just about anything and everything. But it is easy to lose sight of especially in the goal oriented society with live in. If I ever get another tattoo I think that will be it "the path is the goal" maybe with a koi or a Buddha or maybe with something that makes no sense like a picture of a dishwasher. Not sure where that just came from but oh well it made me laugh. My sense of humor likes non-sequitors.

My husband is actually the artist of our little family and I think that has held me back because when he is on his game his talent is INTIMIDATING but the sad thing is that over the past few years due to depression or maybe something else Tommy has stopped doing art. I hate to even think about it really and I try not too because its just all too much. When I first met him about 13 years ago or so that's all he did he was a tattoo artist but even when he wasn't tattooing he was drawing and painting and creating. But a few years back he had a few small strokes that made his hand wobble enough he had to give up tattooing and for some reason the art became less and less until it was non-existent. Now I don't buy the strokes mean he cant do art some of my favorite paintings he ever did were post stroke. Paintings were he left the tattoo art - the dragons, the skulls the women scantily clad with bat wings etc behind and started painting more from nature and man those paintings still blow me away.

I am not sure when it actually happened I don't think there was an exact time or moment but he has lost his muse and his desire to do art. I am sure its due to a major case of depression hes pretty much a classic case poor man sits on his couch and watches the same movies over and over again none of them exactly light- hearted....the shawshank redemption, snatch, and of course good fellas. All great movies to be sure (I hate movies now) but seriously should you see them 3 times each everyday. He has tried anti-depressants but so far we haven't found one that fits him and he is pretty good at self medicating with pot so good in fact he might as well be in a coma. I keep waiting for him to wake up to be the person I fell in love with and I still have hope that one day it will happen. Not that I don't love him now I do it just getting hard. But we are starting to get our heads out of the sand and take a hard look at what is wrong with the help of his doctor and hopefully we will figure out a treatment plan and he can wake up a bit and remember that he is alive.

Not sure where that all came from I haven't really written about it but maybe its time I did.  I hope you don't feel bad for me I don't really its all just part of life there are so many people that have it so much worse every minute of the day its just not optimal but that's okay when is life ever? Oh so back to me today I actually took a step I grabbed an old canvas of Tommy's and gessoed over it so now I have a blank canvas. I think I will attempt a self portrait maybe a bit ambitious after so long but what the hell I have a lot of gesso and I can always create another blank canvas.

Cant help but thinking of the future probably should be focused on the now.

picture of the land i want to buy

So its that time of year again time to start thinking of spring and of growing food. Although I have made the decision to not go to market this year and to downsize the size of my operation in order to get this house in order to sell and find my future home and farm I still cant resist planning a garden.  I just cant. So here I am on a very cold and as pooh bear would say a blustery day in bed with the blankets on surrounded by my dogs Booker and Lulu reading seed catalogs and reference materials and creating the first growing plans of the season.  Doing this i think is one of the only things that gets me through these dark days of winter.

The past few years my garden has been about 120 feet by 60 feet somewhere about about 25-30 60 foot rows of vegetables. This year depending on where I end up I am planning on a plot of about 25 feet by 35 feet for 8 rows of intensively grown vegetables. Trust me it was hard for me to fit everything in. I kept forgetting things and saying oh shit forgot broccoli and that whole family of vegies oh now where am I going to put the potatoes. But I think i have come up with a plan that will work. I need to take a year off from the pressure of producing for a farmers market and figure out how to grow the things I am struggling with (damn you carrots) learn how to control weeds so i dont keep compounding my problems from year to year and figure out how to work smarter and not harder (hate that phrase but it sums it up) so I can be successful farming while I have a full time job and limited time.

I kind of thought I could just stop farming for a year and move on I am not always known for my staying power when I take on new ventures frankly I can be a little flighty.  But I guess at least for now farming in my own small way is still running through my veins and wont be denied. I think one of the main reason I need it because it helps me dream of the future without farming what do i have to look forward to? Going to my job, commuting, making dinner, drinking wine and then going to bed. Farming keeps me focused on a cause thats greater than the day to day monotony. Its a link to the past a link to the old ways where people took care of themselves at least to some extent the days where almost everyone had a victory garden and didnt rely on things that come frozen. The 1950's have a lot to answer for. Life cant always be about convenience sometimes it needs to be about doing things the right way for the right reasons.

Stay warm everyone and keep dreaming of spring unless you ski or something then I guess you dont mind winter!

saying good bye to 2014 and trying to get there from here.

Happy New Year!

I wont say 2014 was a terrible year no one very close to me died I didn't lose a pet or a job but I didn't really accomplish much either besides just going to work coming home having a few glasses of wine watching tv and going to bed. Not there is anything wrong with living like that but I know i just know I am meant to do something more with my one shot at life. So what do I do about being in the rut of a lifetime? Make a plan of course! Every time i get manic i just have to calm myself done sometimes with the help of a wee bit of xanax and say okay what do you want and how do you get there from here. Now granted I have never yet gotten from here to there but I guess you just have to keep trying right?

I have worked in the same job for 10 years and I have been lulled into complacency by a what passes as a sweet paycheck in upstate NY for what I do and knowing that I know my job and am good at it so its been hard to try and break out of the rut of working for money and security and not doing something that fulfills me in anyway except knowing that i do a good job and its sometimes appreciated.  Well until now.....things have changed three months ago I took on a new more difficult role and I find myself struggling a bit outside my comfort zone I am sure I only need time to adjust and learn but my toxic boss has turned her evil sights on me and frankly is gunning for me she told me the other day I wasn't allowed to make a mistake in January. Now if that's not setting someone up to fail i don't know what is. She didn't exactly say what would happen if i did but I think I am going to probably find out.

As a firm believer that every end is a beginning and every beginning is an end I have started updating my resume and begun thinking of things and places I might want to work. Now this might all blow over and her axe might be ground enough to leave me alone but i figured I should be prepared for the worse or maybe in the case the best? My job is over 40 miles away and a terrible commute would it be so bad if i was forced due to being fired to find something else? So with deep calming breaths I go back to work tomorrow to face the music. Should be interesting to say the least.

So what else do i have planned for 2015 well i have to get up and get this house ready to sell if we can sell this house for any decent amount of money I can hopefully pay off my debt for a large chunk find some land in a neighboring county and build a small house we might even join the tiny house nation. If we can accomplish that I wont have to have the big job that pays the big money maybe then I can farm part time and get a few part time jobs now that sounds like fun.

Art and creativity also needs to be more of a priority in my life I have even stopped taking pictures because I cant find the stupid cord that hooks the camera up to the computer now how stupid is that lady its called best buy go get one. So you can see i have fallen into a king size rut on just every level of my life. Now I just have to pull myself wake myself up and get going. Not sure what its going t take an earthquake maybe? Maybe a tornado I dream of those a lot when I get upset. I read in a book that seeing tornadoes in your dreams means you feel out of control of your alot plane crashes too...But I cant take all my dreams literally today I dreamed I was helping Mozart setup a tryst with his gay lover. Period costumes and everything.
life. I dream of them

So those are my thoughts leaving the past year behind and starting on the next. I don't think its an easy road in front of me but that's life right?