I got my haircut today short for me real short. Why? Time to shake off the old tired ways that aren't working and time to clear the deck for clarity of vision passion creativity and love. Have you ever put something off for a long time because you knew when you did it it was going to hurt and suck and make your guts feel like someone pulled them out with a hook and they spilled out on the floor. You try to pick them up and stuff them back in but they never seem to fit back right. But I know i have to do this I know I have to knock it all down and build again I know I need to break myself down and see what's left after everything is gone. Need to shake myself down to my core. I hope something is left. If not I guess that's what the loony bin is for.
After a year of talking and talking and thinking and thinking I finally put the house on the market. If you could have seen the look on my poor realtor's face when he saw it. Now Tim is a good looking tan and fit guy and I swear he walked in the door paled, aged five years and started walking with a stoop. Okay I am exaggerating a bit but not much. Finally at the end I said Tim please just tell me one thing you have seen worse right and he really couldn't. So to make matters worse 10 years ago before the market bombed we bought at the top of the market. But at the time I said who cares this is my forever home so what does it matter. Oh dear girl it matters it's not your dream home and it's time to move on.
I bought this house with my heart 100% I didn't even realize that it didn't have a bathroom on the second floor all i saw was a 1775 colonial with a historical marker in front 2 acres in the back and the glorious Hudson rolling by across the street. I never stopped to look at the structure or anything I didn't look at ANYTHING but the ideal of a house like this I bought hook line and sinker with my heart. Of course if things had gone differently if I had made different decisions thought more clearly at certain key junctions things might have worked out. But they didn't and it's time to go.
My agent listed that house 40 grand below what my in my head was the lowest I would be happy with number. Yes 40 grand. It was not an easy afternoon. As I stood there frantically trying to do math in my head trying to add up my credit card debt the balance on my mortgage what a down payment would be on the new house and closing costs and moving expenses and I am trying to add and I don't want to take my phone out to add because shit I am a grown woman child I should be able to do math in my head and the room is starting to spin and Tim looks upset because I know he can see my FACE and it's probably not good even though I think I have a good poker face I know I know he sees it all the dismay then trying to be brave trying to figure it all out trying to come to grips with it all. And then it dawns on me well that sucks but what if it doesn't even sell for that holy shit what on earth am I going to do. It's all starting its all coming down its all going to shit and I can only hope like a phoenix I can rise from the freaking ashes of my former life. My panic attacks are coming back but I expected that and I think I have the resources to deal with them. Just freaking breathe.
My aunt and Uncle are in town this weekend who I love to pieces and we decided my mom, MJ and I would go look at the one house on the market in my dream town that has the acreage that I want at a price I can afford it will be the 4th time Ive seen it. I am trying to be logical and thorough and not think with my heart but my head. They loved it and I admit it has a simple zen like quality that appeals it is certainly more simple and manageable and could be just quite the thing. On the way out my agent Tim looked at me and I said well Tim I am trying to be logical this time and buy a house that not only I can afford but that I can maintain and he said not so much your heart this time…...