IT’S ALL MEANINGLESS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR!

I am suffering from my usual end of year crisis of just about everything. I suddenly morph into an existential basket case questioning everything and finding few answers. Basically I become a character straight out of a Woody Allen film. It has become a sort of rite of passage towards the ending of many if not most years for me.

I read my post from this time last year and it cracked me up (curious? Resolutions or Intentions? Maudlin and Miasma.) But I thought it was a good place to start to remember in my own words what was on my mind last year and to judge whether I have moved forward if at all.

So 2016? Sold the old house. Yes! Took a total bath but who cares it is no longer the proverbial albatross around my neck. No more worries about the house falling about before it could be sold! The job has improved due to a new boss and new bosses boss and things are copacetic and like I have written previously I might not be following a dream or setting the world on fire with whatever but there are perks to working for the man and I finally feeling settled with the yoke of corporate america firmly around my neck. (curious? Ode to Corporate America.).

Tommy….hmmm this one not so clear and not so great. Over the past year we have seen two different neurologists had scores of tests gone round and round in circles but without getting any closer to a diagnosis. I am trying to convince him to go down to Albany Med and see a neurosurgeon to have a lumbar puncture done which should really give us a clearer picture of whats going on. Tommy is a little defeated not that I blame him I cant even imagine what its like to be him right now. But I need some answers and if it is a genetic or degenerative brain disease I need to know what we are in for. Fingers crossed that this murky picture will become clearer in the upcoming year for better or for worse.

So my first year in this wonderful small town? I think we made the right decision in moving here. I love this house so much it makes me smile every time I pull up and see its cute exterior. My neighborhood is more than I could have hoped for people are so willing to help which is so appreciated. It is not easy for me to ask for help but the good people around me have made it much easier for me. I wrote about it here Learning new tricks. Accepting help when offered.

I might not have set the town on fire with my friend making ability but I a few people know my name which is nice. This is a small town where everyone really does know everyone from young to old I love watching people coming into the local pub and literally know everyone in the place it really warms my heart. And being the text-book introvert watching is just fine with me. But a goal of me this year is to continue letting my guard down inch by inch and being open to forging some friendships. An old friend and one of my pseudo kids (he lived with us for a few years during his teens) has moved back home a town or two away and I have really enjoyed getting to know him again along with his beautiful fiance Emily and their cute pup Bartelby. They have a really fun life and they don’t seem to mind when the old lady comes over and hangs out like she’s a kid.

Creativity? I was asked to join a writing class taught by a friend and mentor which has become a wonder for me a true bright spot in my everyday life. The people in the class are interesting and warm and all gifted writers in many different and wonderful ways. Of course the minute he invited me into the class I fantasized that the genius writer that was trapped inside of me would be unleashed and I would have my essays printed in the New Yorker (secret dream shhh).  This of course had led me to take myself very seriously and probably put too much pressure on my writing. I need to just let it flow. I am not even sure why I write and what if any my goals are. My mother has suggested I write a book about the middle ages a period in time that  I am utterly obsessed with geared to young adults. I am flattered that she thinks I am capable I am not so sure myself but it is definitely something to think about.

I finally had to smoke a joint the other day. Seriously it was a health issue I swear. And man I have to tell you the stress just left me all the who am I who do I want to be why this why that why not this and why not that just disappeared at least for a short while. I literally felt the stress melt off my body it was one of the best thing I have done in a long time. I just started smiling too an ear to ear smile just looking out the window at all the beauty in front of me and smiling like a fool. I have to remember that and smoke a joint once in a while in the upcoming year. So along with finding some good people to be close too, continue trying to be creative for no reason at all, continue asking for help when I need it and smoking a joint when I need it too are my intentions for the upcoming year.

I like new years it makes you examine who you are for better or for worse just don’t get too carried away like I do but I am sure good reader you dont take yourself so damn seriously. So cheers to 2017! 2016 in some ways has been okay and in some ways has been a total fuck of a year. The upcoming years should be interesting to say the least! I wish you all a splendid 2017!

On Being Torn Apart.

So It’s been a week. I am not one to be quick to figure out how I feel about something. Even if you call me and tell me someone I love has died you won’t get much of a reaction out of me besides the usual platitudes. It takes me awhile to digest things not that I don’t care or don’t have feelings I just take awhile to get there sometimes. So for a week I have been writing this piece in my head during long commutes and sleepless nights and I have tried to digest everything and figure out not only what I feel but what I am going to do about it.

I was actually staggered over how upset I was and am. It wasn’t just that she lost. I can handle that I think my problem is that he won. And to be honest he scares me. I hope all his rhetoric of hate was just a facade to stir up the populist masses. And I sure hope he has some angels of his better nature hiding under all that hair but I am scared. The way he is already flip flopping on his campaign promises maybe he will flop in the right direction but judging by his first few staff picks leads me to think probably not. But I don’t want to be that dramatic I don’t like to borrow trouble and I don’t want to imagine all the terrible things that can happen. But I do want to be vigilant and aware of what’s going on to be ready to fight if needed.

The only thing I can really think to do is to give money to people like the ACLU and Planned Parenthood and research more people who do good work who try and safeguard our liberties no matter which side you are on.  And with everybody yelling it’s been hard to listen to myself to figure out on my own for me alone how I feel. Even my darling social media which for an introvert like me is a dream come true (along with self pump gas and instant messaging) is making me feel like I am being torn to pieces.

I don’t know whether I should just get over it (if I do I feel like I am betraying people on the margins who are in danger), just wait and see what happens (but if i do that will it be too late to fight when the dark times come?), take to the streets and protest (not really my thing), wear a safety pin on my jacket (useless gesture where I live feel like I am picking a fight?), just drink wine and read Proust and garden till its over (cry baby overeducated elitist), or think nothing bad like that could happen to me (history proves me wrong).

I know women who voted for Trump in fact at work I think I am surrounded. My skin isn’t thick enough yet to ask why and maybe it never will be. But I do feel that it’s me against them hopefully that feeling will fade with time. For a few days after I actually found myself glaring at everyone secretly blaming them for what happened without even knowing who they voted for or if they even voted at all. The chip on my shoulder is getting smaller with time but it’s still there. Thoughts like how could they vote for him they are women? Maybe they just voted along party lines since I call myself a blue dog democrat I really can’t take issue with that or maybe they just think as an outsider he can bring much needed change.

But I am used to feeling like a stranger in a strange land and to be honest I like being the underdog but that is so easy for me to say when I am wrapped in my snuggly cloak of white privilege. Isn’t saying that betraying everyone who has reason to fear? I noticed that the amount of American Flags being flown on main street have grown and even those flags which should inspire patriotism in me inspire fear. What are people saying with those flags. Are they saying hey liberal jerk how do you feel now? Because that’s what they make me feel like they are taunting me with my loss making me free like this isn’t my America.

I just want a country where everyone has a fair shot as possible and there is true separation between church and state. Where I can be proud to be an American too and not slightly embarrassed as I usually am. And yes I have problems with authority I have refused to say the pledge of allegiance since I was a child I never felt the under one god part was fair. I still don’t and who’s to say how many gods there really are anyway.. But that doesn’t really make me any less of an American because that’s the freaking point of being an American isn’t it?

Halloween - Assertiveness training for the under 10 set.

Its Halloween and this is the first place I have lived in where we are getting a lot of trick or treat action. I was somewhat prepared there is a pumpkin out front and I have candy in a plastic pumpkin filled to brim and the lights are on and hopefully the house looks inviting. I got home around quarter to six Tommy had manned the door until I got home and we were at dangerously low candy level so luckily I just popped down the street to Rite Aid to fill up the coffers.

I cleaned up a bit while I waited for more trick or treaters and I was worried I bought more candy for nothing but the knocks started to come some timid and some loud sometimes I could barely hear them and some they scared the shit out of me. But watching the parents watch their kids from the safe distance of the curb brought me right back to being a kid. The time my brother dressed me up like Frankenstein and slicked my hair back with vaseline. Yes vaseline I had to wear a bandana to kindergarten for days. My poor mother still talks about it to this day.

But one thing I really remember is my dad waiting by the curb and me being a shy child (I could have gotten mail delivered to me behind my mothers legs that’s how much I liked hiding there) going up to a strangers door and knocking and saying things and remembering what I was supposed to do was pretty hard. Luckily the lure of a pillow case full of candy usually got me up that stoop and hopefully some years I was in a large group and could lurk at the back until it was time to grab the loot.

I remember being pretty little and him giving me a gentle push between the shoulder blades now go on beth go up there ring the bell. Remember to say trick or treat remember to be grateful remember to say thank you. So many cute little girls tonight bravely knocking at my door and then shyly looking back to their parents to make sure they were doing it right. It was really sweet.  But it occurred to me between knocks that Halloween is like assertiveness training for shy kids. Outgoing kids would probably jump at the chance to knock on a door in exchange for candy us shy kids not so much. Thankfully candy is a big enough reward.

Perfect day in a tiny town.

What can I say? This town as an old friend pointed out to me recently is paradise. Paradise? Well maybe pretty damn close. So far today has been one of those days, those nice days where nothing of import happens  but you end up remembering anyway.  I slept in which is a treat after a long week working for the man. I remembered that I needed to go to the hardware store to pick up chicken feed or I would be in danger of facing a chicken rebellion. Tommy was having a good day and I could tell he wanted to get out of the house for a bit I figured we would go to the farmers market too as my belly rumbled in hunger remembering the baker and their wonderful bread.

To my great surprise Tommy got out of the car and actually  went to the farmer’s market. A 9 piece or so band was playing celtic airs and reels in the background as we bought bread for lunch and a pastry for breakfast to share. As usual we bickered about the amount of pastries we should buy and I overruled Tommy and we just got one. We chilled out at a picnic table sharing our apricot pastry listening and watching the music being played. I sighed to myself and said well it doesn’t get much better than this does it? The baker laughed as I went up to get another pastry this time a chocolate croissant I don’t know why I argue sometimes I should have known we needed two from the start. It was one of the nicest moments the two of us have shared in a long time. With his illness times like these have been far and in between.

Next stop was the food coop Tommy of course wanted steaks for dinner so we compromised on burgers instead paired with some prime brussels spouts and dinner is planned. The hardware store on the way back home chickens taken care of and the revolt was narrowly avoided the lead chicken, a big Rhode Island Red, gave me a warning look that said dont let this happen again . I made a quick-lunch of thick slices of that wonderful bread and some bacon I had in the fridge. Simple but yummy.

As I was cooking lunch my door bell booker was barking his head off enough for me to actually come out and see what is was going on about and there was a woman at the door. I opened the door and lo and behold a very lovely Jehovah’s Witness was there. She introduced herself and started telling her tale. She didn’t think it was funny when she asked me where I found my salvation and I replied a wine bottle. Well I thought it was funny I guess I misjudged my audience. So I was kind attentive and polite but it wasnt long before the fact that I was an atheist came up and she got that look in her eye you know that look the I can crack this nut look. She asked if I had time now to talk about it and I said no but that I would be more than happy to take her literature. She warned me that she would be back to talk to me about my lack of faith especially when she asked me if I had ever had any faith and I said never. She asked when she a good time to come back was and of course being me I said in the afternoons. Let Tommy deal with that I will be safely ensconced at work not being rescued.

So now I am curled up on the couch with Booker and Lulu contemplating the leaves that cover my yard and wishing that a very very strong wind would come and blow them all away. If wishes were fishes…….

Scenes from the Battenkill

The pool.

One of my missions this summer is to find my spot on the Battenkill River. I love this river like crazy it has gotten into my being and reminds me of the wonder that world can still offer on a daily basis. I used to have a spot but now its just a little too far to make it practical so I have spent a day here and a day there this summer hunting for new spots. Luckily a friend is on a similar mission and one day maybe we will even go tubing.

I thought I had found my spot not too far from my house but on the weekends it is a portage spot for tubers and kayakers so there is little peace to be found. I made the mistake of going there on July 4th and was rewarded with a guy throwing up next to me. So I had to scratch that pretty spot off the list. And then I heard whispers of the Georgi. I did a little recon when I was on vacation and it looked promising especially it had two essential things a parking lot and a bathroom. A bathroom is always a good thing.

Let me tell you folks this place is magic. Beautiful grounds with perennial gardens and great old planting several different spots to cool off in the river. Plenty of space so even when the parking lot is full there is space to find your own spot.  My first full day there I was watching people walk up the river a bit and then ride the water down through a channel and pop out down river now this looked like fun and when I was finally alone later in the afternoon I went for my first run. After killing my feet on the pebbles (really need to get water shoes) I found a likely spot to jump in and away I went whisked off down stream via water power floating on my back having a grand time. As I rounded the corner I spotted the beach I usually hang out on and figured I would swim across this deep pool and go dry off.  Not sure why I felt I had to cross there but I think I wanted to avoid walking on more rocks. Now I know my basic swim strokes we were tortured in High School with having to take swimming and the coach treated us like we were Olympic hopefuls which trust me we were not.

So anyway I strike across the pool and notice that man that current is strong but I keep swimming then I realize that I am not making any progress. So I switch to my back stroke and nope still not going anywhere then I say okay under water nope no progress okay breast stroke nope side stroke old lady don’t want to get my hair wet style nope no progress. At this point I am getting tired and I say to myself shit I am going to drown in the battenkill. How freaking embarrassing. So I start to tread water and formulate a plan. I ended up reaching the other bank on the wrong side of the river and walked back up to the shallows and crossing back over. I sat on a rock and caught my breath and gave thanks for not having a heart attack I really am out of shape. To be honest I was a little shaken by this whole thing but I was proud I didn’t panic (well not much) formulated and executed a plan. It made me feel like a kid again when I would be out alone somewhere I probably wasnt supposed to be and would get myself into a scrape and then have to get myself out of the situation.

For the rest of the night I kept braying on to my husband jokingly about my brush with death on the Battenkill and he was not impressed to say the least. The next day I went back to the river and was enjoying myself on the edge of the pool when I watched an older woman do what I did the day before but she yelled out to a guy fishing saying she had to come his way and didn’t want to get tangled in his line as she couldn’t exit where I had in vain tried the day earlier because the current was too strong. I was vindicated it wasnt just me and my poor swimming it was the current! Yay silly me.

Went back again on Sunday (yes I have a problem) and was having a great time taking some dips reading my book and chatting with people. For some reason I leave my introverted tendencies behind and chat with everyone. I was having a nice chat with two guys about the area and just funny little stories when a large group of fully dressed people descend on the little beach. Now this was curious! I can’t tell whats going on are the all just sight-seeing and stopping by do one of the kids want to take a short swim? But no guess what it was a full immersion Baptism. I kid you not! What a strange and wonderful world this is right? So I move over to accommodate them I guess I could have left but I didn’t want to walk through all the people. So as I was sitting waist deep in water enjoying my surroundings Rob and Donna were Baptised. Dont get to witness that everyday!

Flip flop of fortune

A picture of the little demon in full flight.

Say that one three times fast.  This morning I got up and let the dogs out and I left them out in the fenced in back yard while I got ready. I was upstairs putting my make up on when lulu came up now she often lets herself back in so I wasn't worried but usually she is followed in short order by Booker. Today no Booker. I go back downstairs out the backdoor and guess what no dog. I go back in the house yell for him figuring maybe he went upstairs and I didn't see him. No Booker. Back outside I go and then I see it....the open gate. Oh boy. He's pulled a runner.

Grab shoes purse leash and run outside and there he is about a block away so I yell nicely to him come on Booker squat down and clap to him and he comes running. I heave a huge sigh of relief which changes quickly to a gasp of "oh shit" when the dog gets about 5 feet from me and decides he is not quite done with his little adventure. He dashes through my neighbor Bob's yard and does not come back. I jump in the car and beep the horn and no dog...Of course its cold out so the windshield is iced over but I throw caution to the wind crank the defroster use the stupid windshield fluid and take off in hot pursuit. I see glimpses of a caramel brown dog flashing a block away. I tear over there no dog. And then I remember he doesn't even have a collar on. Gulp.

I pulled out again and do another circuit and I see him on the sidewalk of the main route in town sniffing at some garbage cans and again stop the car yell to him and thankfully this time the little bugger sees me and runs to me and jumps to the safety of the car. Huge sigh of relief. When I left for work he was taking a nap on the couch. But times like these always make me remember that things can be fine one moment and the switch flips and Houston we have a problem. One minute your happily putting on your makeup the next you are driving around town like a maniac beeping the horn and yelling. I guess it just goes to show you need to appreciate the calm when you have it and realize that what ever happens good or bad you have the strength to deal with the problems. Its just the flip flop of fortune.

Back to the old house no more its time to move on.

One of my favorite pictures of the old house that old house which is no longer my house. What a beauty she is but hopefully by giving her up she can be saved and brought back to her glory. We closed yesterday and although I tried not to have expectations on how I would feel I was surprised to find that what I mostly felt was numb. Just numb. I did tear up a little at the closing when I saw the buyers name and the address. Thankfully I pulled myself together I think it would be embarrassing to cry in front of a room full of lawyers. And I mean a roomful the cologne was over powering in a big way.

As much as I loved that house and the idea of it I am glad it is now someone else's worry. I bought that house with my heart and not my head. I was never going to be in a position where I could maintain it and fix it. Cant wait to see what the buyer does with it hes a flipper and I hope my agent Tim isnt going to mind setting up a showing when its one but thats now maybe by that point I wont want to see it. Who knows only time will tell.

Good news is I paid off two credit cards this morning and paid the rest of the pending bills and I even did a little shopping bought some plants for a shady spot in the yard. And even better I was able to give a little money to a gofundme campaign to support a local business which was good timing because normally I dont have a pot to piss in. But hopefully now things will improve financial and I can get over being the cheapest person on the planet.

I guess I really thought I was going to be over the moon with happiness after the closing but I just realized thats just not my style. I dont react to things immeadiately it usually takes me time to process things and to really think about whats happened before I react or show emotion. Sometimes I think I am a sociopath but I took an online quiz once and nope not a sociopath. I am just a slow and steady very methodical think before you leap kind of person. Even when it comes to good news. I do feel myself lightening a bit my old whacky sense of humor coming back a silliness which i used to love about myself starting to pop up in the back of my mind. Seriously I think owning that house was starting to give me PTSD and now i need to find a way to heal. I was always so worried something else would go wrong that I wasnt able to afford to pay for another disaster I was un-prepared for.

I also have to work on forgiving myself. That one might take awhile.

Off to visit family on this fine spring day a weekend in the finger lakes visiting family which is long over due and to celebrate the soon to arrive first child of my cousin Marcus and his wife Angela. It should be a beautiful drive on a beautiful day and I will have plenty of time to think about the past and hopefully come to terms with the last 11 years and the house.

Have a nice Easter everyone or as we celebrate in my family a vague weekend of celebrating springs renewal. Or maybe its just the ham.

The Evan Buxbaum incident and never counting my chickens.

Okay so after six months and the price of my dear house going down down down as steadily as the temperature falls in winter we finally have a buyer. A buyer who offered about half of what I was originally asking but at this point desperation took over and I accepted his offer. The buyer is actually a flipper so I had a good feeling that he would treat the old girl right and return her to her past glories. At least that is my hope. So I was happy about this over the moon actually for about a day until abject fear that he would back out took over. It seemed the buyer did not take into consideration that the eventual buyers of the house once it was finished would need to buy flood insurance and he was afraid it would make the house hard to sell. Why this came as a shock to him I am not sure since there is the house there is the small front yard the road and then the mighty Hudson River. Is it on a flood plan um yeah just a little.

So of course I went into full panic hide under the bed mode and it brought me back to 9th grade. I guess we all have those incidents in life which almost become our own parables our own fairy tales or horror stories. One of the biggest lessons I have learned in my 46 years is seriously never count your chickens I mean NEVER. Okay so back to Evan Buxbaum and 9th grade. From what I can remember he asked me out and we exchanged phone numbers I am not sure if I had a crush on him or not or his asking me came out of the blue. My memories have dimmed over the years. I accepted his offer of being his girlfriend and he said he would call me later. So I went home riding cloud nine proceeded to make a snack and turn on MTV. The phone rang and it was him and instead of awkward get to know each other talk it turned out his friends didn't approve of me and he dumped me. Quickest "relationship" ever. That one even beats some Hollywood marriages! Now I am sure it wasn't the first time life taught me how fast your fortunes can change but this one was pinnacle. It always startling how fast you can go from elation to the dumps how fast the pendulum swings back the other way.

These are the thoughts that were going through my head and my heart when I thought the deal for my house was going to fall through it brought me right back to 9th grade. Now I am sure there have been plenty of times in my life of disappointment but this is the one I always remember. I remember feeling ashamed for being happy for those brief moments like man you are such a sucker. You should have known better. Sometimes things are too good to be true. I am sure the Evan Buxbaum incident was a big piece of the puzzle that is currently me. I tend to play my cards very close to my chest am not prone to jump in to things quickly. I have become a watcher and a waiter and I never ever count my chickens before they hatch. We close on Thursday and hopefully things will go well. I of course refuse to accept it as a done deal. I am much more of accept the worse and be pleasantly surprised if things actually work out type of girl. Here's hoping. I think I have some healing to do. Happy first day of spring.

Just when you think things cant get stranger.....

So last night Tommy and I had the usual argument about whether to go out or not. He of course wanted to go out to the local for prime rib night I wanted to stay in and make a new stir fry recipe I dreamed up. I won the argument but don't worry I wasn't being mean I was just being sane we had just gone to dinner there the night before. As I was prepping dinner he asked me if I had stopped for soda and I said no I didn't I was trying to beat my time record for getting home from work and I forgot. New world record by the way 45 minutes. He started to go on and on about how he has been looking forward to soda all day long and how it was basically that hope that was keeping him alive. I am being facetious but he was being way dramatic which tends to happen a lot with his brain problems. Its like he gets stuck on something like prime rib and he will ask me 500 times in a row if we can go get prime rib. White wine and xanax keep me somewhat sane.

But back to this silly story I finally lost patience with him and said Jesus the store is a block down the road go get some freaking soda. So he grabbed the keys and left now hes not really supposed to drive I figure if you cant walk reliably without falling down for whatever reason you probably shouldn't be driving. But I threw caution to wind and hoped he could only get into so much trouble going a block down the street. He came back a few minutes later with much more that soda of course. He cant stand just buying one thing ever. But it was Friday and a chocolate cake didn't sound like too bad of an idea. So all was well shrimp and Brussels sprout stir fry was had for dinner and all was well.

Fast forward to earlier today I gathered up some bags of garbage and a small sampling for the gazillion corrugated boxes I have and headed out the door to go to the dump. I walk outside and there is the freaking car parked not in the driveway but in the freaking FRONT YARD. No wonder the neighbors were looking at me strangely! OMG in the front yard yes the front freaking yard. I guess in his mind that now works somewhat strangely he figured he would park as close to the front door as he could. Now most people this wouldn't occur to but for him I guess it made perfect freaking sense.

Love in a small town well more like love with a small town.

My new town and me its official for valentines day we are in love. Yes love even me who fears commitment on so many scales which has its own irony since i have been married for 13 years or so. My new town and I have it bad I mean bad. I wax so poetic sometimes I can bring tears to my own eyes. For example Tommy and I went down to our local on Friday night for prime rib night and I was telling him how I went to the local grocery store to buy fun food to make during this most recent visit of the polar vortex and I was saying how much I love having a small not bigger than twelve acres small old school somewhat weird grocery store to shop at and as I was talking I started to choke up and tears came to my eyes. So yeah me and the new town its big time. Full of emotion a sense of belonging to I don't even know what. A place I guess where people know your name well not my name yet because I am an elusive creature not one to give up my secrets but I watch and I listen to everyone else calling each other by name and it makes me smile and feel like well maybe maybe one day I will want them to know my name. I think I will feel safe enough soon to start opening myself up to the new.

Started off the day with coffee and cleaning as my parents were due at noon to take us to the local pub for lunch. Ran down to the dollar store to get the ever needed cat litter and listened to the small town talk of this or that of things good and things bad. Treated myself to a trip to the bookstore which is such a luxury to have in such a small town. And its a great bookstore I swear the owner does her buying with me in mind or maybe we were just separated at birth? I mean what bookstore that small as a new offering about the middle ages every time I go? what are the freaking chances? Today I picked up a history of the Plantagenet's which i actually descend from and I cant wait to curl up for the long haul an read.

We had a great lunch with mom and dad and the giant wood stove was doing its job keeping us all nice and toasty warm. Came home and let the pups out for a bit in the sun and brought out some fresh hot water for the chickens that hopefully wont freeze immediately. Only two days in a row of frigid temps not like last year where I think it was six weeks or so we never got over above freezing. So two days to hunker down in the new house happy as a pig in shit is not so bad. Later out to dinner for valentines day to cap off this very nice albeit very chilly day. Not a bad day to be alive. Life is good.

Up early and in a strange mood.

Woke up early for me today. Well I woke up really early then spent some fruitless time trying to go back to sleep. Two dogs on either side of me and a cat sitting on my hip for good measure but it wasn't meant to be the wheels started to turn in my brain and I knew it useless.

I'm usually pretty groggy in the morning I am more of a night owl but for some reason today I feel really good maybe it was that late night combination of melatonin xanax and my statin that made me sleep like a baby and wake up feeling refreshed (I had a very strange panic attack right before bed last night). I would talk about what I think set that attack off but I am not in the mood to delve quite that deep into the past. Although it could be a ton of things my house not selling and now being priced just about 100 g's less than what I bought it for my husband having some problem with his brain and basically reverting to being a very large child that falls down a lot or hell who knows maybe it was just things from the distant past reminding me that there are things still be dealt with a one day and hopefully put to bed.

Okay I meant to write a short piece about my new town and one of the many many things I love about it is that magnificent nature is bam right there. The picture above was taken from the parking lot of the dollar store. I mean how many dollar stores come with a view like this? It blows me away every time. I might not live in the gorgeous green hills in the middle of a 200 acre dairy farm anymore but the the view from here ain't too shabby.  I like the juxtaposition of the urban and the wild. And yes I like when I get to use juxtaposition. Its the well aren't I just too smart for words snarky little bitch inside me bringing out the big words.  Yes I like to make fun of myself too I try to not let myself get away with too much bullshit. Not always successful but its something I like to keep an eye on.

A farmer no more.

This is a picture of my new backyard. I like my new backyard it just happens to be about an acre or so smaller than my last backyard. This is the first year since 2011 that I wont be attending my organic farming conference this is the first year I have to admit I am no longer a farmer. Not that I was every really a real farmer anyway I basically just grew vegetables in my backyard and sold them at the office and a farmers market. But the USDA does classify anyone who makes a grand a year a farmer so I guess maybe for a few of those years I qualified if I fudge the numbers a bit. I loved being a little farmer it was the first time since the early eighties where I was heavily into punk rock (black mohawk and all) that I felt part of something larger than everyday life.

Big Big Vegetable garden in old yard.

I loved going to market on saturday mornings it was like a game show....waking up at first light tearing outdoors sometimes in my pajamas to pick the vegetables that I like to pick the same day going through the riggers of cleaning drying and packing them all up. Fitting them into my suv and then leaping into the shower and driving like a maniac stopping at Stewarts to get coffee and make sure I had enough small bills to make change. The first customer always showed up with a twenty and you had to be prepared. Racing to your allotted spot setting up the table and umbrella making the vegetable offering look as yummy as possible set the prices and then of course wait for the first customers to show up. It really was like a game show about 4 hours or work condensed into maybe two.

Trying to be a market farmer on top of a full time job and a lengthy commute proved to finally be too much for me. In the beginning I thought Tommy would get really into it and be a major part of the operation but he didnt take to it like I did and the majority of the work fell to me. So spring summer and fall had me getting home from work going out to weed and plant and weed weed weed then or course make dinner and go to bed. I did just prove to be too much paired with I was barely breaking even so when we started to think about moving I finally had to call it quits. So today instead of sitting in a class on permaculture or how to grow mushrooms I am sitting here at my kitchen table dreaming of spring.

The first seed catalogs have arrived and my garden in my little yard above is starting to take shape in my mind.  I love this time of year its the time of year where everything in your minds eye is perfect there are now weeds no insects and no disasters. Its all yet to be and thats nice. And as Bill Mollison says in this quote below growing even a portion of your own food is an act of rebellion. I like acts of rebellion remember the mohawk? I especially like when something is a rebellion but you would do it anyway it just makes it even better.

“The greatest change we need to make is from consumption to production, even if on a small scale, in our own gardens. If only 10% of us do this, there is enough for everyone. Hence the futility of revolutionaries who have no gardens, who depend on the very system they attack, and who produce words and bullets, not food and shelter.” 

So I might no longer be a farmer but I still will hopefully have a nice large victory garden an grow some righteous vegetables and of course get a little healthier in the process too. I gained 10 lbs since I stopped farming and since I was already chubby those pounds need to come back off. So now that even adds to the argument to grow your own food. Its bettter for you its good exercise and you can give the finger in a small way to corporate america. Im in!

a good haul on market day.

Good vs Evil, today was a good day and may the force be with you...always.

I know the picture has nothing to do with the story but I recently downloaded 500 pics or so from my Camera and I like this one from Cohasset MA a year or so ago. 

What a pleasant start to the new year was today.

Slept in till 9:30 with Tommy letting the dogs out at six so they could come back to bed for what I call "schnuggles" not sure where I got that from maybe a mix between snuggle and cuddle but whatever it is I can yell it and they will come running. The schnuggles are one of the many things that keep me sane.

Made a cup of coffee and tried to figure out a place to go to breakfast but it was either too late or things were a brunch which was out of budget so I offered Tommy a compromise I will got to the market get fixings for breakfast and then we will go to the movies. He being a wise man took me up on the offer and to the market I went, breakfast made and eaten.

Now the movie I wanted to see was the new Star Wars. Okay I was 7 when the first one came out and my mom somehow arranged to take the whole neighborhood thus changing the lives of many young people forever. So needless to say the original trilogy is yes HUGE to me. This i have kept a secret of late not talking about it not seeming excited about it honestly I tried to keep myself from even knowing about it less I get too excited and then disappointed when another sham with jar jar binks or whatever was unleashed on me. But I cautiously read the reviews and when I heard that critics were move to tears I said okay maybe this wont be corny maybe this will be okay.

Good news the closest movie theater albeit in a different state was only 15 miles or so away and a beautiful 15 miles at that. I felt bad when we got there because I lost patience with Tommy for not being able to not fall down. Now my poor husband has a brain problem right now with too much cerebral fluid on the old noggin and some days are better than others and some days when he tries to walk he honestly looks like hes drunk as a skunk. As humans I think we all have that thing that thing that is our downfall the thing that leads to our weakest moments as humans and mine well mine is I hate to be embarrassed in front of large crowds of people I don't know. So we we entered the movie theater and tommy started doing his whole arms windmilling going to knock and old lady down routine I basically stood him up against a wall and said stay.Oh the looks I got some of what a bitch some with pity and so on. I swear I need to get him or maybe us tshirts his can say "I'm not drunk I have a brain problem" and mine can say "I'm with a tbi instead I'm with stupid".

Anyway popcorn and soda and seats all happened without further ado the movie was more than I expected and I can honestly say if I was alone I would have cried like a freaking baby. But i felt vindicated when i saw the guy in front of me who was probably my age wipe the tears from his face when Han appears. To see those beloved characters again without it being campy and sad was more than I hoped for. It was magical to be taken back into that story in such a right way. And then it turns out the bad guy is played by Adam by FAVORITE character in "Girls". So needless to say I was in heaven. Cant wait to go with my Mom its a movie she needs to see in the theater.

Now part of me said well its the same story over and over again but isn't it always? These stories of good vs evil are told endless times endless different ways and have to be one of the main archetypes of the human experience. So i say keep telling that damn story and its okay if evil wins here and there just make sure every once and awhile good kicks some freaking butt.

We followed this all up with dinner at the Burger Den. Sometimes life is good and yes I am too paranoid right now to just type life is good because the moment to do something will happen tomorrow that well make me regret my words. Geez thats sad.