Monday, July 8, 2013

Raining again looking for approval and trying not to give up.

When I started this small micro-farm I knew it was going to be hard I knew there would be times when I would feel like giving up now is one of those times. The rain has been relentless and the small amount of machinery we use keeps failing us my hands are so stiff from weeding the joints in my fingers are becoming disfigured and I feel like we are falling further and further behind although I have never worked harder in my life. I am trying not to feel sorry for myself and I am trying even harder not to congratulate myself on how hard I am working.

Funny even at my advanced age of 43 I still find myself looking for approval. One night at dinner I was trying to hint to my dad just how HARD I was working and just how PROUD he should be of me. Do you know what he said to me? He said look at it this way if you weren't doing what you are doing you would probably be 20 pounds heavier than you are now. Not exactly the praise I was looking for but our family doesn't really do that. Hard work is to be expected and handled not fawned over. But sometimes even if you know your not going to get the approval you are craving it doesn't stop you from trying. Some lessons never learned I guess. Nothing is more annoying than trying to point out to people how wonderful you are. Ha I am only kidding and yes I am more than aware that I am being juvenile. I hate when you know you are being a baby but cant stop yourself. One of the cool things about being 43 is although I have come a long way human being wise I still have a way to go. Looking for the meaningful life if you know what I mean.

The real problem is how can you complain about something you don't really have to do that you want to do because it makes you happy? You cant can you? So even though I am sitting at my desk job and can barely hold a pen my hands hurt so much and I have mosquito bites over 75% of my body and I am so overwhelmed with being behind I have to keep telling myself that this was your idea and nobody else's so you better get it together and stop whining. And no you are not going to go home after work and go straight to bed and bury you head under the covers you are going to go out to the yard dig by hand if necessary and get the stupid crops in the ground. End of story. And yes I am talking to myself (again).

Wish me luck I think I need it.

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