2015 going out like blah

We didn't have any big plans tonight I really wanted to just be super mellow maybe have some wine knit or paint if I can find the paint brushes. I managed to find a blank canvas and my new paints the other day but so far I haven't found the brushes. You would have thought they would be together but apparently not.

I had the day off from work and I managed to sleep in and woke up to the sounds of the nearby church's bells playing some tune how nice was that? I am liking life in a small town.  My parents have a group of friends over every New Years and its one of those great stories of childhood friends getting together every year for ages like since 1960 something. Although I wasn't in the mood to go to the party my Mom asked me to make the dinner for her since she hasn't been feeling well. Beef Bourginoun for 12 coming up. So we drove to toga and the stew was made and home we came.

BUT about half way home Tommy said he had a terrible headache and could I turn the heat down. Now he never asks me to turn the heat down so I should have known something was up. About 5 miles from home on the last stretch of what I call the mountain pass that connects Greenwich and Cambridge he started throwing up. And being a mountain pass and going 50 miles an hour there really wasn't a safe place to pull over. Poor guy. So he is hanging half way out the car barfing his little brains out. While I of course try not to barf.

We made it home and I realize that although we were just planning on going down to the local pub for dinner all plans were off and I am on my own. Which is fine probably a good way for me to wrap up 2015. I can do a little writing watch some boob tube and get a pizza. I tried to call for pizza but my phone died. I went out to the car to get my charger and I figured while I was out there I would clean up the barf. Wow what a job. Now down the outside of the car instead of the usual mud splatter was barf splatter yup fine lines of barf running from the front window to the taillight. OMG.  So I opened up the door and at first I'm like cool not so bad....I started cleaning and spraying spray and I got to the hand hold of the door started to scoop it out and yes cups of barf followed now the fact that i didn't barf too was insane but I didn't I held it together and finished the stinky job up.

So now the phone is charged tried to call for a pizza but they are out of dough. I figured then i would just go to the little market and get something nope closed so I remembered the other pizza place stopped in got my small pie and made it back home. Also pub was closed so i probably been pizza for dinner anyway! Tired and paranoid I don't feel well. I hate that.

I don't mind finishing 2015 like this as long as 2016 gets a little better! Here's hoping!

Resolutions or Intentions? Maudlin and Miasma.

I read somewhere recently or maybe it just flashed by quickly on some news feed or another but I saw something talking about the difference between resolutions and intentions for the new year I think it talked about how intentions sounded less stressful than resolutions but I think I just read the headline so I am not sure what the point of the article was but in thinking about it I got to say I have been mulling it over and I think they are right. Of course if thats what they were talking about at all.

Now resolution to me is something that you do that will get done and intention is something that you intend to do but it might or might not happen. I could get the definitions for you on these two words and see if I am right but to be honest I just ain't that kind of person. Right now I am actually watching Gilmore Girls on reruns and having a glass of wine so educating you on what words mean isn't high on my list. I realize it could look neat and I could look like I know what I am talking about but why waste the energy right now what I am talking about is what I think the words mean so who cares anyway?

I don't think I ever made a resolution I have kept unless at some point I gave in and said my resolution is to continue to be mediocre in all I do and take more naps. So you can see how the word intention is more appealing. I like intention. I intend to be a good person but no pressure to really do so. I intend to be more out going and open to bring people into my life but again we will see what happen. I intend to write more because it makes me happy and helps me with my brain...I intend to do more things that are creative because I think one of the main tenants to a full some life is creation but its yet to be proven well for me at least.

This post is a bit maudlin but not only is it one of my favorite words its frankly how I am feeling. I like miasma too and I even got to use it in a sentence at work the other day. Now did that get some looks. So back to the end of a year and the beginning of a new. Things I love I finally got the balls the put the my beautiful wreck of a house on the market and move to a new town with a house that I am so freaking in love with I could cry. Keeping my job when I was sure I was next to be fired (honestly the only thing personal I have on my desk is a rock from the batten kill that reminds me how beautiful nature is).  My parents are still alive and I love them like mad.  I love my sister in law and the kids and hope to one day repair the relationship between my brother and I.

Things I look forward to this year and hopefully selling the old house and finding someone who sees in it what I did and do. My husband who I do love but has tried me like hell this past year to getting better and either becoming who he once was or maybe fingers crossed someone even better. Making a few kindred spirits in my new town or at least someone knowing my name. Work? well work is work and right now I will settle for a pay check until the old house sells. Once that is done then we shall see. So now lofty goals I wont talk about losing the extra body i carry around with me I figure get your brain straightened out and then we can talk about the mundane. OMG another M work Maudlin Miasma and Mundane. Why am I too old to form a rock band because that my friends is my band name or maybe the name of my first book of poetry which would be a neat trick since I don't write any.

I wish everyone a better next year if this year sucked and if this year was super awesome one just as great.

Christmas day feeling like any other day Oh well maybe next year.

So far on this Christmas morning I have managed to make a cup of coffee. I now I am managing to drink said coffee. I had the old its Christmas time of year vibe going for a while but right before the big day it vanished without a trace. Kind of like during sex when you think oh cool here comes the orgasm and it disappears before you reach it. No big deal though I vowed to just go with it this year to just go with how I feel. I'm not upset or depressed or pissy it just feels like a normal day to me. But I am thankful to have a nice long weekend and spend time with my family.

Yesterday my parents drove over from Saratoga for a xmas eve lunch and it was a fun time. My dad has had dental problems of late so I made some of my Dad's favorite foods that were easy on the teeth pasta fagioli and manicotti. My mom likes neither so I made sure to have some good bread and cheese on hand. Today is our day for food going to their house later to have prime rib. Funny my dad asked if I wanted bone it or bone out and I said with the bones please and he said oh for your dogs and shook his head. I said damn straight whats a better present for a dog than that? After they left I ignored the dishes and went outside with some eggnog and the dogs and watched them play in their new yard which they freaking love like only a dog can. The video is of Booker running which never fails to make me smile. Those ears!

I was feeling pretty loose after a little proseco and wine and now eggnog and I spied the playset thing that I haven't figured out what to do with yet. So I climbed up in my fort and watched the neighborhood go by and listened to Christmas carols played on the bells by the nearby church. Booker managed to get up in the fort with me Lulu didn't bother and laid down and chilled out instead. I decided the only sane way down was the slide and it was as much fun as I remember. I went for a second run.

All this was followed by a nap of the ages a light dinner or toasted baguette and butter and then back to bed.I woke again to an absence of Christmas feeling but again I am just going with it. Maybe its because Tommy and I didn't buy each other anything this year the budget was tight so we focused on getting presents for my family instead. But I don't want Christmas just to be about gifts now don't get me wrong I am pretty excited to see what Santa brought me later at my parents house but it shouldn't just get the Christmas feeling because there are tons of gifts under the tree. This needs to be about something more. I noticed late that the nearby church serves a free dinner for anyone in the county and maybe next year I will volunteer to help. I think that would help with getting the Christmas spirit flowing and maybe it would be closer to what I think Christmas should be about. Maybe I think too much.  I am going to drink coffee do a bit of writing watch something silly like the worlds strongest man on tv and relax. I don't think I am even going to do those dishes. There is always tomorrow.

Finding christmas in my own way.

Last Sunday we went out and got the old xmas tree. I don't think we bothered last year we both weren't in the mood and with just the two of us we figured why bother. But this year with the new house and all I wanted a tree that would look pretty in the window so we didn't look like a bunch of grinches to the rest of the neighborhood. Of course I waited a little too long on sunday to do this so the place I was thinking about getting a tree only had 3 left and was closed so I said to myself F*#@K it I will just go to Tractor Supply and get one cheap. So up over the freaking mountain we go and as I am about to turn into the parking lot I said to myself is that really the xmas experience you want to have? It didn't feel right so I kept going and remembered a family run tree place a few miles further down the road that I had passed a few times. I am glad I did they were a charming family with a couple of generations helping out and I scored a candy cane too! That felt so much better to me I think I needed a little interaction with other humans to get the Christmas cheer flowing.

As I get older its harder to find the xmas spirit we do not have kids so we miss that whole experience but sometimes it gets hard to remember why we even bother but I still get that feeling in my stomach that excitement that xmas is coming so I figure as long as I get the feeling you might as well go with it. I managed to get the lights on the tree on sunday but didn't have the energy for the decorations. But I pulled the box out last night which was in itself a xmas miracle that I could find anything in this house of brown boxes. But find it I did and I have to admit it was nice to take a walk down memory lane that each ornament seems to take you down. There were the two sheep one white and one black that I bought at Gardenworks two years ago, there was War Admiral chasing Sea Biscuit for the win, there was William the met hippo looking cute, and there of course was the ornament that tommy and I made together in 2002 our fist Christmas together.

As often happens at this time of year you tend to compare your experience with that experience you imagine everyone else has you know the one the big family several generations eggnog and carols everyone trim and neat not a hair out of place the family dog laying at people feet a big fire roaring in the fireplace you know the one I'm talking about. Now maybe that does exist somewhere I hope it does but I have always had a small family and small celebrations and my mom cant stand Christmas carols she blames them for her not believing in god. (Im kidding but she did say that the other day to me jokingly) so this year it was me and the dogs decorating the tree. The dogs were trying to be helpful but well you know how that goes. Tommy doesn't really do things like this and with his brain being injured like it is he participates even less. So it was a tad lonely with me imagining the mythical  Norman Rockwell celebration happening elsewhere but it was still nice and the dogs are good company. I guess you just have to remember that whatever celebration you have or don't have its just as important as any other because its yours.

This one is for Katy and complacency as an art form

My sister in law just gave me a nudge that I have written in awhile and have been remiss in writing about the big move. Actually the move is still going on because I can never do anything simply.  Okay so we moved almost three weeks ago and I really meant to write a lot about it I really did but for some reason I havent written about it at all. Maybe it was too much to write about in both emotions and goofy stories about the silly things that happen to me so I just didnt write at all.

The move was crazy and of course I wasnt totally prepared and then not all our stuff fit in the truck. And instead of having them do a second run and paying for overtime i just rolled with it. Unfortunately when they left I realized that the one thing that didnt make the cut were chairs....yes chairs...luckily I had a camping chair in the car so one of us could sit down.  Lets see what is the next stupid thing that I did....Oh I failed to actually measure my washer and dryer before I moved them and yes you guessed they did not fit. So right now I have the washer hooked up the dryer is sitting in the middle of the kitchen and I am drying our clothes on a little drying rack. Who knows how long the dryer will sit where it is I have a habit of once I get used to something being somewhere I just never think about it again. Sometimes I can take complacency to a whole nother level. I think that is the word i would most use to describe myself. If awards were given out I would seriously be a contender. Or if i was a boxer or mma fighter that could be my thing.."And now fighting out of the blue corner.....elizabeth "totally complacent" Haggerty.

So after moving Frank the junk guy came out to the old house and hauled another truck load of crap. And then movers came out again a few days later and grabbed the rest of the stuff we wanted well almost I guess not all of it since I had to go there today and managed to fill my suv up to the brim with more crap and it didnt all fit so after work this week I need to make another haul and we are not even talking about what is in the garage. I am afraid look.  And yes we do need to have Frank the junk guy out one more time. If anyone could make moving the most drawn out complicated process ever I think I really nailed it.

Now to unpacking....I unpacked the first couple of days so I could cook etc and then I just pretty much stopped. My mom and dad came by yesterday to take me and Tommy down to Foggy Notions for lunch and the look on my moms face when she realized not much had changed in a week. Oh well all in my own time right? The be fair to me by the time I get home from work all I can really manage is making dinner having a glass of wine and relaxing also if there is any kind of impediment to doing something I just stop. Like for instance I couldnt put any of the million of books i have away because I wanted to paint the bookcases first same story with the china cant put that away until I paint the hutch. Good news yesterday I painted the bookcases so now I just have to put the books away. But I know there is no way all the books are fitting. But do what I can with what I have of guess

So now that I have painted myself as the MOST lazy procrasinating person ever I will say this. I love this house I love it so much I almost have to pinch myself every time I pull into the driveway. The dogs are having a blast sitting in various windows barking at everything from cats to squirrels to people to leaves.....They are happy.  The cats seem content too and everyone seems to be living as one cohesive unit instead the cats here the dogs there...Its nice.

The past bubbles into the present.

As often happens with big changes in life some feelings from the past have started to bubble up making me wonder why I am getting upset again about things that happened 20 years ago. Strange life is. But when a time frame from the past keeps coming up giving me that bad feeling in my stomach I figure its time to stop and examine why. This happened to me yesterday I kept dwelling on a time in my past that I guess in judging by how my stomach reacts when I revisit it in my mind i feel very vulnerable about. At first I thought it was due to an ex boyfriend showing up on facebook but as I kept thinking about it trying to get to the root of why the memories were bothering me it occurred to me that its probably because i am set to move. And in moving some of these old anxieties that I have been protecting myself from by secreting myself away in the country are bubbling up to the surface of my mind.  Normally this is not something I would write about but I am trying to be more authentic and true to my reality and maybe by sharing something that hurts that makes me feel vulnerable I can free myself a little from the past.

During college and in the years after I had a great group of friends we went out more than we should have and had some excellent adventures together. As time passed people went their separate ways and my best friend fell in love and moved to the Caribbean with her love and my other bestie lifelong friend found other people to hang out with. This is weird to write about because on the surface whats the big deal you had a really active social life and then not so much. It happens and to be honest its not like i didn't have any social interaction besides work and went feral I just ended up spending a lot of time alone. So why does this time feel like a dirty secret to me? And of course to make matters worse there was no boyfriend at the time either. To be honest (yikes) from the time the aforementioned high school boyfriend and I parted ways till the time 14 years later when I met my future husband I did not have a serious romantic relationship. Sure I had crushes (okay lots of crushes) and some dalliances here and there but nothing remotely serious. So I guess I was alone on more than one level.

Which is really not a big deal for me I have always understood the difference between being lonely and being alone but I guess if I was honest I was both at times but mainly okay with being on my own. So what does all of this have to do with the present? I think some of it stems with my realization that we are really currently hiding in the country and that is an excuse to not having a lot of friends. So this move to an actually town and a tiny country one at that has big implications for me and for us as a couple. Will we find friends? Not too many but just enough to invite over for dinner? Because nothing makes me happier on this earth then making dinner for people. The good thing about this little town is there is a ton to do so even if we dont make a lot of friends there is always something to do which will be so nice.

I am trying not to have any expectations. Just to let be what will be. Funny though family members are already lecturing me about being nice to my neighbors like I would be anything else? Just because I have lived nowhere for 11 years doesn't mean I forgot how to be a social person. I haven't actually gone feral. I do go to work everyday with lots of other people and I am quite a chatty well liked social person. Seriously not lying. But it will be an adjustment belonging somewhere or hopefully belonging somewhere. Worst case scenario things will be much like they are today but I will be able to have pizza and Chinese delivered. See only up from here. A good place to be in the beginning.

Scenes from life in a small town and thinking about fitting in.

Good news we closed on the house last week and all went well without a hitch. I stopped by a day or two later on my way home from work to get a feel for it and to be there by myself. I guess maybe I was feeling for ghosts. That's a paranoia of mine. Really it is. Good news I did not feel any malevolent forces lingering and besides being slightly smelly it felt good. Another reason I went after work is that i tend to obsess with how far things are and I wanted to measure the distance and time of my new commute. Why I worry about these things I really don't know. But i really like to measure time and distance. Good news its just over 30 miles and 46 minutes from work which is still a bit of a haul but an improvement from what I have now.

Took Tommy and the dogs over on Saturday and brought over a few boxes kind of like marking my territory. I felt much better when I had some things of ours there and it was no longer and empty lonely house. The dogs seemed happy and Booker capped the experience off by taking a poop on the floor. All the neighbors where in their yards raking the leaves and I secretly hoped that mine would blow away into their yards before I moved in. I hate raking. Already a bad neighbor and its two weeks until we move. Funny the way my head works I guess for some reason I pictured being greeted with open arms but instead all I really got was a few tentative waves which i immediately translated into that they knew my house was possessed by demons and didn't want to get involved or tell me the bad news. Yes this really is the way my brain works well at least for a short bit. I think my brain really like to be outrageous to make me laugh. Silly brain.

Went back to the new house on Sunday after packing up a few more boxes and packed up my little metal bar and a bookcase to bring over. Boy did I feel better once the house had a bookcase. I took some measurements and wondered how I was going to fit an antique bed into a room the size of a dime. I'm thinking guests are going to have to crawl over each other to get out the bed but what can you do. While I was upstairs all of a sudden there were sirens and horns blowing and what sounded like pure mayhem happening outside my new door. I went about my business admiring the bookcase and locking up and shrugged my shoulders about the din of sirens outside. Just said to myself just my luck finally move here and the town burns down. When I went outside I realized it was some sort of parade and we started to drive home.

About a mile from town the parade or whatever was looping around and we had to stop as they proceeded by....Booker had his cute little head out the window as the police car ambulance and fire truck passed with sirens blaring following by a wagon full of kids in their football and cheerleader uniforms proud parents in the school colors they all waived at Booker honking their horns and he didn't bark one yip maybe there is hope for this dog. Lulu who was also in the car doesn't like to stick her head out the window but she just sat and was calm which was good since she is the more neurotic of the two.

It was a strange experience for me I never went to a pep rally without being forced and I never went to one of my high school's football games I was one of those kids who was always too cool for school and I never wanted to support the dumb jocks who threw things at my mohawk as I passed by in the halls. But for some reason this small town's pep rally parade thing choked me up. I got a hold of myself because who tears up at a pep rally even one you didn't plan on attending? Maybe just maybe even though I have always purposefully kept myself on the outside of things I have always secretly wanted to belong. Maybe.