2015 going out like blah

We didn't have any big plans tonight I really wanted to just be super mellow maybe have some wine knit or paint if I can find the paint brushes. I managed to find a blank canvas and my new paints the other day but so far I haven't found the brushes. You would have thought they would be together but apparently not.

I had the day off from work and I managed to sleep in and woke up to the sounds of the nearby church's bells playing some tune how nice was that? I am liking life in a small town.  My parents have a group of friends over every New Years and its one of those great stories of childhood friends getting together every year for ages like since 1960 something. Although I wasn't in the mood to go to the party my Mom asked me to make the dinner for her since she hasn't been feeling well. Beef Bourginoun for 12 coming up. So we drove to toga and the stew was made and home we came.

BUT about half way home Tommy said he had a terrible headache and could I turn the heat down. Now he never asks me to turn the heat down so I should have known something was up. About 5 miles from home on the last stretch of what I call the mountain pass that connects Greenwich and Cambridge he started throwing up. And being a mountain pass and going 50 miles an hour there really wasn't a safe place to pull over. Poor guy. So he is hanging half way out the car barfing his little brains out. While I of course try not to barf.

We made it home and I realize that although we were just planning on going down to the local pub for dinner all plans were off and I am on my own. Which is fine probably a good way for me to wrap up 2015. I can do a little writing watch some boob tube and get a pizza. I tried to call for pizza but my phone died. I went out to the car to get my charger and I figured while I was out there I would clean up the barf. Wow what a job. Now down the outside of the car instead of the usual mud splatter was barf splatter yup fine lines of barf running from the front window to the taillight. OMG.  So I opened up the door and at first I'm like cool not so bad....I started cleaning and spraying spray and I got to the hand hold of the door started to scoop it out and yes cups of barf followed now the fact that i didn't barf too was insane but I didn't I held it together and finished the stinky job up.

So now the phone is charged tried to call for a pizza but they are out of dough. I figured then i would just go to the little market and get something nope closed so I remembered the other pizza place stopped in got my small pie and made it back home. Also pub was closed so i probably been pizza for dinner anyway! Tired and paranoid I don't feel well. I hate that.

I don't mind finishing 2015 like this as long as 2016 gets a little better! Here's hoping!

Resolutions or Intentions? Maudlin and Miasma.

I read somewhere recently or maybe it just flashed by quickly on some news feed or another but I saw something talking about the difference between resolutions and intentions for the new year I think it talked about how intentions sounded less stressful than resolutions but I think I just read the headline so I am not sure what the point of the article was but in thinking about it I got to say I have been mulling it over and I think they are right. Of course if thats what they were talking about at all.

Now resolution to me is something that you do that will get done and intention is something that you intend to do but it might or might not happen. I could get the definitions for you on these two words and see if I am right but to be honest I just ain't that kind of person. Right now I am actually watching Gilmore Girls on reruns and having a glass of wine so educating you on what words mean isn't high on my list. I realize it could look neat and I could look like I know what I am talking about but why waste the energy right now what I am talking about is what I think the words mean so who cares anyway?

I don't think I ever made a resolution I have kept unless at some point I gave in and said my resolution is to continue to be mediocre in all I do and take more naps. So you can see how the word intention is more appealing. I like intention. I intend to be a good person but no pressure to really do so. I intend to be more out going and open to bring people into my life but again we will see what happen. I intend to write more because it makes me happy and helps me with my brain...I intend to do more things that are creative because I think one of the main tenants to a full some life is creation but its yet to be proven well for me at least.

This post is a bit maudlin but not only is it one of my favorite words its frankly how I am feeling. I like miasma too and I even got to use it in a sentence at work the other day. Now did that get some looks. So back to the end of a year and the beginning of a new. Things I love I finally got the balls the put the my beautiful wreck of a house on the market and move to a new town with a house that I am so freaking in love with I could cry. Keeping my job when I was sure I was next to be fired (honestly the only thing personal I have on my desk is a rock from the batten kill that reminds me how beautiful nature is).  My parents are still alive and I love them like mad.  I love my sister in law and the kids and hope to one day repair the relationship between my brother and I.

Things I look forward to this year and hopefully selling the old house and finding someone who sees in it what I did and do. My husband who I do love but has tried me like hell this past year to getting better and either becoming who he once was or maybe fingers crossed someone even better. Making a few kindred spirits in my new town or at least someone knowing my name. Work? well work is work and right now I will settle for a pay check until the old house sells. Once that is done then we shall see. So now lofty goals I wont talk about losing the extra body i carry around with me I figure get your brain straightened out and then we can talk about the mundane. OMG another M work Maudlin Miasma and Mundane. Why am I too old to form a rock band because that my friends is my band name or maybe the name of my first book of poetry which would be a neat trick since I don't write any.

I wish everyone a better next year if this year sucked and if this year was super awesome one just as great.

Christmas day feeling like any other day Oh well maybe next year.

So far on this Christmas morning I have managed to make a cup of coffee. I now I am managing to drink said coffee. I had the old its Christmas time of year vibe going for a while but right before the big day it vanished without a trace. Kind of like during sex when you think oh cool here comes the orgasm and it disappears before you reach it. No big deal though I vowed to just go with it this year to just go with how I feel. I'm not upset or depressed or pissy it just feels like a normal day to me. But I am thankful to have a nice long weekend and spend time with my family.

Yesterday my parents drove over from Saratoga for a xmas eve lunch and it was a fun time. My dad has had dental problems of late so I made some of my Dad's favorite foods that were easy on the teeth pasta fagioli and manicotti. My mom likes neither so I made sure to have some good bread and cheese on hand. Today is our day for food going to their house later to have prime rib. Funny my dad asked if I wanted bone it or bone out and I said with the bones please and he said oh for your dogs and shook his head. I said damn straight whats a better present for a dog than that? After they left I ignored the dishes and went outside with some eggnog and the dogs and watched them play in their new yard which they freaking love like only a dog can. The video is of Booker running which never fails to make me smile. Those ears!

I was feeling pretty loose after a little proseco and wine and now eggnog and I spied the playset thing that I haven't figured out what to do with yet. So I climbed up in my fort and watched the neighborhood go by and listened to Christmas carols played on the bells by the nearby church. Booker managed to get up in the fort with me Lulu didn't bother and laid down and chilled out instead. I decided the only sane way down was the slide and it was as much fun as I remember. I went for a second run.

All this was followed by a nap of the ages a light dinner or toasted baguette and butter and then back to bed.I woke again to an absence of Christmas feeling but again I am just going with it. Maybe its because Tommy and I didn't buy each other anything this year the budget was tight so we focused on getting presents for my family instead. But I don't want Christmas just to be about gifts now don't get me wrong I am pretty excited to see what Santa brought me later at my parents house but it shouldn't just get the Christmas feeling because there are tons of gifts under the tree. This needs to be about something more. I noticed late that the nearby church serves a free dinner for anyone in the county and maybe next year I will volunteer to help. I think that would help with getting the Christmas spirit flowing and maybe it would be closer to what I think Christmas should be about. Maybe I think too much.  I am going to drink coffee do a bit of writing watch something silly like the worlds strongest man on tv and relax. I don't think I am even going to do those dishes. There is always tomorrow.

Finding christmas in my own way.

Last Sunday we went out and got the old xmas tree. I don't think we bothered last year we both weren't in the mood and with just the two of us we figured why bother. But this year with the new house and all I wanted a tree that would look pretty in the window so we didn't look like a bunch of grinches to the rest of the neighborhood. Of course I waited a little too long on sunday to do this so the place I was thinking about getting a tree only had 3 left and was closed so I said to myself F*#@K it I will just go to Tractor Supply and get one cheap. So up over the freaking mountain we go and as I am about to turn into the parking lot I said to myself is that really the xmas experience you want to have? It didn't feel right so I kept going and remembered a family run tree place a few miles further down the road that I had passed a few times. I am glad I did they were a charming family with a couple of generations helping out and I scored a candy cane too! That felt so much better to me I think I needed a little interaction with other humans to get the Christmas cheer flowing.

As I get older its harder to find the xmas spirit we do not have kids so we miss that whole experience but sometimes it gets hard to remember why we even bother but I still get that feeling in my stomach that excitement that xmas is coming so I figure as long as I get the feeling you might as well go with it. I managed to get the lights on the tree on sunday but didn't have the energy for the decorations. But I pulled the box out last night which was in itself a xmas miracle that I could find anything in this house of brown boxes. But find it I did and I have to admit it was nice to take a walk down memory lane that each ornament seems to take you down. There were the two sheep one white and one black that I bought at Gardenworks two years ago, there was War Admiral chasing Sea Biscuit for the win, there was William the met hippo looking cute, and there of course was the ornament that tommy and I made together in 2002 our fist Christmas together.

As often happens at this time of year you tend to compare your experience with that experience you imagine everyone else has you know the one the big family several generations eggnog and carols everyone trim and neat not a hair out of place the family dog laying at people feet a big fire roaring in the fireplace you know the one I'm talking about. Now maybe that does exist somewhere I hope it does but I have always had a small family and small celebrations and my mom cant stand Christmas carols she blames them for her not believing in god. (Im kidding but she did say that the other day to me jokingly) so this year it was me and the dogs decorating the tree. The dogs were trying to be helpful but well you know how that goes. Tommy doesn't really do things like this and with his brain being injured like it is he participates even less. So it was a tad lonely with me imagining the mythical  Norman Rockwell celebration happening elsewhere but it was still nice and the dogs are good company. I guess you just have to remember that whatever celebration you have or don't have its just as important as any other because its yours.

This one is for Katy and complacency as an art form

My sister in law just gave me a nudge that I have written in awhile and have been remiss in writing about the big move. Actually the move is still going on because I can never do anything simply.  Okay so we moved almost three weeks ago and I really meant to write a lot about it I really did but for some reason I havent written about it at all. Maybe it was too much to write about in both emotions and goofy stories about the silly things that happen to me so I just didnt write at all.

The move was crazy and of course I wasnt totally prepared and then not all our stuff fit in the truck. And instead of having them do a second run and paying for overtime i just rolled with it. Unfortunately when they left I realized that the one thing that didnt make the cut were chairs....yes chairs...luckily I had a camping chair in the car so one of us could sit down.  Lets see what is the next stupid thing that I did....Oh I failed to actually measure my washer and dryer before I moved them and yes you guessed they did not fit. So right now I have the washer hooked up the dryer is sitting in the middle of the kitchen and I am drying our clothes on a little drying rack. Who knows how long the dryer will sit where it is I have a habit of once I get used to something being somewhere I just never think about it again. Sometimes I can take complacency to a whole nother level. I think that is the word i would most use to describe myself. If awards were given out I would seriously be a contender. Or if i was a boxer or mma fighter that could be my thing.."And now fighting out of the blue corner.....elizabeth "totally complacent" Haggerty.

So after moving Frank the junk guy came out to the old house and hauled another truck load of crap. And then movers came out again a few days later and grabbed the rest of the stuff we wanted well almost I guess not all of it since I had to go there today and managed to fill my suv up to the brim with more crap and it didnt all fit so after work this week I need to make another haul and we are not even talking about what is in the garage. I am afraid look.  And yes we do need to have Frank the junk guy out one more time. If anyone could make moving the most drawn out complicated process ever I think I really nailed it.

Now to unpacking....I unpacked the first couple of days so I could cook etc and then I just pretty much stopped. My mom and dad came by yesterday to take me and Tommy down to Foggy Notions for lunch and the look on my moms face when she realized not much had changed in a week. Oh well all in my own time right? The be fair to me by the time I get home from work all I can really manage is making dinner having a glass of wine and relaxing also if there is any kind of impediment to doing something I just stop. Like for instance I couldnt put any of the million of books i have away because I wanted to paint the bookcases first same story with the china cant put that away until I paint the hutch. Good news yesterday I painted the bookcases so now I just have to put the books away. But I know there is no way all the books are fitting. But do what I can with what I have of guess

So now that I have painted myself as the MOST lazy procrasinating person ever I will say this. I love this house I love it so much I almost have to pinch myself every time I pull into the driveway. The dogs are having a blast sitting in various windows barking at everything from cats to squirrels to people to leaves.....They are happy.  The cats seem content too and everyone seems to be living as one cohesive unit instead the cats here the dogs there...Its nice.

The past bubbles into the present.

As often happens with big changes in life some feelings from the past have started to bubble up making me wonder why I am getting upset again about things that happened 20 years ago. Strange life is. But when a time frame from the past keeps coming up giving me that bad feeling in my stomach I figure its time to stop and examine why. This happened to me yesterday I kept dwelling on a time in my past that I guess in judging by how my stomach reacts when I revisit it in my mind i feel very vulnerable about. At first I thought it was due to an ex boyfriend showing up on facebook but as I kept thinking about it trying to get to the root of why the memories were bothering me it occurred to me that its probably because i am set to move. And in moving some of these old anxieties that I have been protecting myself from by secreting myself away in the country are bubbling up to the surface of my mind.  Normally this is not something I would write about but I am trying to be more authentic and true to my reality and maybe by sharing something that hurts that makes me feel vulnerable I can free myself a little from the past.

During college and in the years after I had a great group of friends we went out more than we should have and had some excellent adventures together. As time passed people went their separate ways and my best friend fell in love and moved to the Caribbean with her love and my other bestie lifelong friend found other people to hang out with. This is weird to write about because on the surface whats the big deal you had a really active social life and then not so much. It happens and to be honest its not like i didn't have any social interaction besides work and went feral I just ended up spending a lot of time alone. So why does this time feel like a dirty secret to me? And of course to make matters worse there was no boyfriend at the time either. To be honest (yikes) from the time the aforementioned high school boyfriend and I parted ways till the time 14 years later when I met my future husband I did not have a serious romantic relationship. Sure I had crushes (okay lots of crushes) and some dalliances here and there but nothing remotely serious. So I guess I was alone on more than one level.

Which is really not a big deal for me I have always understood the difference between being lonely and being alone but I guess if I was honest I was both at times but mainly okay with being on my own. So what does all of this have to do with the present? I think some of it stems with my realization that we are really currently hiding in the country and that is an excuse to not having a lot of friends. So this move to an actually town and a tiny country one at that has big implications for me and for us as a couple. Will we find friends? Not too many but just enough to invite over for dinner? Because nothing makes me happier on this earth then making dinner for people. The good thing about this little town is there is a ton to do so even if we dont make a lot of friends there is always something to do which will be so nice.

I am trying not to have any expectations. Just to let be what will be. Funny though family members are already lecturing me about being nice to my neighbors like I would be anything else? Just because I have lived nowhere for 11 years doesn't mean I forgot how to be a social person. I haven't actually gone feral. I do go to work everyday with lots of other people and I am quite a chatty well liked social person. Seriously not lying. But it will be an adjustment belonging somewhere or hopefully belonging somewhere. Worst case scenario things will be much like they are today but I will be able to have pizza and Chinese delivered. See only up from here. A good place to be in the beginning.

Scenes from life in a small town and thinking about fitting in.

Good news we closed on the house last week and all went well without a hitch. I stopped by a day or two later on my way home from work to get a feel for it and to be there by myself. I guess maybe I was feeling for ghosts. That's a paranoia of mine. Really it is. Good news I did not feel any malevolent forces lingering and besides being slightly smelly it felt good. Another reason I went after work is that i tend to obsess with how far things are and I wanted to measure the distance and time of my new commute. Why I worry about these things I really don't know. But i really like to measure time and distance. Good news its just over 30 miles and 46 minutes from work which is still a bit of a haul but an improvement from what I have now.

Took Tommy and the dogs over on Saturday and brought over a few boxes kind of like marking my territory. I felt much better when I had some things of ours there and it was no longer and empty lonely house. The dogs seemed happy and Booker capped the experience off by taking a poop on the floor. All the neighbors where in their yards raking the leaves and I secretly hoped that mine would blow away into their yards before I moved in. I hate raking. Already a bad neighbor and its two weeks until we move. Funny the way my head works I guess for some reason I pictured being greeted with open arms but instead all I really got was a few tentative waves which i immediately translated into that they knew my house was possessed by demons and didn't want to get involved or tell me the bad news. Yes this really is the way my brain works well at least for a short bit. I think my brain really like to be outrageous to make me laugh. Silly brain.

Went back to the new house on Sunday after packing up a few more boxes and packed up my little metal bar and a bookcase to bring over. Boy did I feel better once the house had a bookcase. I took some measurements and wondered how I was going to fit an antique bed into a room the size of a dime. I'm thinking guests are going to have to crawl over each other to get out the bed but what can you do. While I was upstairs all of a sudden there were sirens and horns blowing and what sounded like pure mayhem happening outside my new door. I went about my business admiring the bookcase and locking up and shrugged my shoulders about the din of sirens outside. Just said to myself just my luck finally move here and the town burns down. When I went outside I realized it was some sort of parade and we started to drive home.

About a mile from town the parade or whatever was looping around and we had to stop as they proceeded by....Booker had his cute little head out the window as the police car ambulance and fire truck passed with sirens blaring following by a wagon full of kids in their football and cheerleader uniforms proud parents in the school colors they all waived at Booker honking their horns and he didn't bark one yip maybe there is hope for this dog. Lulu who was also in the car doesn't like to stick her head out the window but she just sat and was calm which was good since she is the more neurotic of the two.

It was a strange experience for me I never went to a pep rally without being forced and I never went to one of my high school's football games I was one of those kids who was always too cool for school and I never wanted to support the dumb jocks who threw things at my mohawk as I passed by in the halls. But for some reason this small town's pep rally parade thing choked me up. I got a hold of myself because who tears up at a pep rally even one you didn't plan on attending? Maybe just maybe even though I have always purposefully kept myself on the outside of things I have always secretly wanted to belong. Maybe.

Right thing for the right reason but still a heavy heart.

Few out the back window. This will be hard to leave.

So much going on right now I am finding it hard to distill into words on a page. We close on the new house tomorrow. Part of me is really excited about it. I think this town will be a good fit for us and the house is adorable and just the right size with a nice big back yard for the dogs but I am struggling with leaving the country and my land. I love my land i love every square inch of it. The house is too big and too much work and I know I have to sell it not to only right my own economic ship but for the house's sake as well. It needs work and love that I cant give it in time to really save it. So as much as I know I am doing all the right things for all the right reasons my heart is breaking to leave my land. I gave my high tunnel away to a very deserving and hard working farmer who has enough troubles for a whole town full of people and as much as that felt great to finally be able to help the farmer out it hurt too. That was the place my high tunnel where I first learned how to grow vegetables in winter. But it wont fit in my new yard and as I have been farming less and less I really didn't need it. Again right thing to do for the right reasons but still hurts.

You would think that if you are doing the right thing for the right reasons in the best way you can that your heart would be light (I almost said and your future bright but I threw up in time to stop myself). I think this would be easier if we sold our present house before moving to a new one. But unfortunately that hasn't happened but I think this house will show better and hopefully sell empty without all of our stuff and four cats and two dogs and one messy husband in it. Fingers crossed. So a clean start might have been easier but its not in the cards. On the upside I can take what I want and need to the new house and have Frank the junk guy come get the rest. Nice thought that is. Clean start. I would say clean slate but as much I would like to say with moving you can start over but you never really do because unfortunately you bring yourself.

Trying to get my head around living near people again right now the nearest house is about a 1/4 mile away and in 11 years I have never met them. Funny the other day I was thinking about people where I live who I would want to tell that we were moving and I came up with a very short list. Okay every day I waive hello to a guy I pass on my way to work. I got upset thinking that I would just one day not drive bye anymore and was contemplating telling him i was moving so he wouldn't wonder where I was. The two ladies at Stewart's who are nice to me oh and my favorite is the dump master ruler of the town dump. Now you do notice the theme here right? These handful of people that might miss me or vice versa I do not know their names or can never remember them. How sad is that?  In my defense I really do live in the middle of nowhere but really that's all you got to show for community in 11 years.  Ouch now again in our defense we have had friends here come in and out of our lives but right now all I got is the two ladies at Stewart's the dump master and the guy trying to get in shape on my way to work.  Yes this is a main reason we are living the country and moving to town.

But it will still be tough for me I am used to being able to do whatever I want yell at the dogs chase chickens in my underwear listen to music as loud as I want and now I am going to have to learn how to behave myself in public again. Not to mention my dogs they (no fault of their own) are completely lawless. We drove to the new house today to look at it and my dog Booker has this thing that every time we go for a ride which he loves he has to take a poop. So he makes this certain kind of whine and I know its time to poop. So I usually pull over some where strange or in a store parking lot so he can poop. So anyway today I was like well we are in the area he can poop at the new house. But I grabbed the wrong leash and off he went chasing the soon to be neighbors cat. One of the only ways to get him back is to drive after him and beep the horn and then he remembers he loves the car so he usually comes running which he did thank goodness. But I don't even live there yet and I am already being loud and embarrassing. One of the first agendas is getting the dogs trained enough to be somewhat civilized wish me luck. I will try to do it myself but I think I will end up hiring a trainer. But my dogs usually surprise me being better than I think they are.

new house in town

Booker on the left looking innocent and Lulu looking out the window. I love my dogs.

Recipe: ZIti with Roasted Red Pepper Cream Sauce

Its cold outside and I don't have enough propane in the tank left over from last winter to turn the heat on. So instead I am sitting in bed with a sweater on with the dogs close by and writing about food. This is a great easy just a few ingredient dish that you probably have already in hand. It takes about as long to make as it does to boil your pasta water. Perfect quick late home from work get dinner on the table fast kind of recipe. 

Ziti with Red Pepper Cream Sauce

serves 2

1 medium onion chopped coarse

3 garlic cloves sliced

1 small jar roasted red pepper (my jar had one large pepper in it if you are roasting a fresh one)

1 tbs olive oil

8 oz pasta of your choice

½ cup cream (half and half is fine heavy cream would be great too)

1/4 cup parm or pecorino whatever you have on hand

salt

fresh ground black pepper

Fresh Basil if you have no big deal if you dont

more cheese

Bring water to boil in a pot you cook pasta in.

Over medium heat in a medium/large saute pan cook onions and garlic in olive oil until soft about 5-10 minutes. I usually add a bit of salt to get the onions juices flowing. 

Drain roasted pepper (s) and cut into chunks and toss in pan to heat through.

Puree pepper/onion/garlic mixture in food processor or with hand blender until smooth.

Meanwhile cook chosen pasta to chosen doneness.

In the same pan that you sauteed the vegetables in heat red pepper puree until it comes back to the bubble turn heat down to low add cream and heat until warm turn off heat and add cheese.

Drain pasta add to sauce and coat. You might want to save a bit of the pasta water just in case the sauce is too thick. Adjust to your taste with salt and maybe some fresh basil if you have it.

Serve with a good grinding of black pepper and of course more cheese.

Trying "Normal" on for size and maybe its not always about me.

We almost had an offer on the house. Almost but they backed away when they came to their senses. But at least its a step in the right direction and I had a feeling of hope for a short while at least. But getting the offer got me to thinking what if they really do buy the house where are you going to go? Yikes good question. I played with the idea of moving my husband two dogs and four cats into my parents basement but that really just doesn't sound very plausible I mean someone is not coming out of that one alive.

Now when I originally started getting my head around leaving here and started to drive around upstate NY looking for home there were plenty of options that had a nice small house and at least 5 acres.  For some reason the 5 acres was super important to me why because I didn't want lack of land to hold me back if i suddenly woke up and wanted to be a goat farmer or have a horse at home which is the holy grail of lifetime dreams for me and then there is this whole Gone with the wind thing land is the most important thing thing.

So anyway for the past year and a half I have been looking for land. I even went so far a week or so ago to consider 50 acres and a rustic cabin. That went out the window when I went to look at the property and my 4 wheel drive little Honda couldn't actually make it up the crazy road leading to the rustic cabin. It had one hell of a view but i wisely said hell I cant live there if I cant drive there. What am I going to do zip line in with groceries?  Over lunch one lazy Sunday i was telling my mom about this 50 acres and she was being really supportive as always but I could tell she was really thinking why cant you just be normal. Why does everything have to be difficult what are you trying to prove?

My other plan was to buy land and build a small house but really do I have the patience now to go through all that permits and problems and worrying about the budget so this past weekend I had a serious talk with myself and I said you know the town you want to live in and since for some reason there is not one house in your price range with the land you want so why don't we switch directions and look in town. Wow town could life really be that easy? Actually live somewhere where someone might deliver Chinese or pizza? Be able to walk somewhere besides deeper into the bush? Now don't get me wrong I am not sure I am going to be able to handle this but with Tommy's health problems making him live in the country without a car and with no where to go is probably not the best recipe for a happy marriage. I guess it shouldn't always about me.

So onto the wonderful web I went and low and behold I found a little Greek Revival on a quiet street a block or so from town with a nice big almost half acre back yard. So I could garden my little heart out and the yard is already fenced in for dogs so Booker could actually run free instead of being tied up when he is outside because of his flight risk status. There is even room for a pool not a pony but a pool if we wanted. The house has the classic clean lines and character i love and doesn't seem to be in bad shape needs a new kitchen but to be honest any house I move into needs a new kitchen. There is even a man room for Tommy. And wait for it....i can afford it...GASP! Oh and I can bring my chickens too.

So here is to thinking about moving to town it popped into my head the other day that I have been hiding for 10 years in the country. As I was talking to myself and I said to myself haven't you hid long enough? Hmmm wonder what I have been hiding from?

Snakes on a plane or in this case in a car.

So as you guessed from the title strange things happen to me sometimes. So yesterday driving home from work heading north on I-87 in the left hand land doing about 72 or so and I look to the left of the wheel and there is a freaking snake looking back at me. Yes you read correctly a freaking snake. Now luckily I am not a very dramatic person for instance I would never get on a game show I show excitement with a slight smile you would probably never see me jump for joy or scream with excitement just not me. But seeing the snake did cause me to yelp and put my hand to my throat. Why do you think we do that what good is putting your hand to your throat? Is it maybe a gut instinct to always protect your throat? Why don't we pat the top of our heads or make some other gesture?

My first thought is I must capture the snake who by this point I have named Stan and I look at him and go dude nowhere for me to pull over you are coming home with me I guess. Now I have a checkered past with capturing or herding animals I like to think I am really good at it but if I am honest with myself I usually end up doing more harm then good. The farmer who used to own the land around my house actually kept dairy cows on it and sometimes they would escape. I would get all excited and run out to help and invariably I would end up sending them in the opposite direction and about a mile away. But I always loved the drama of being out there with the big ladies of milk. Luckily the farmer never witnessed me trying to "help". Shhhh.

Okay so back to Stan the snake so I stop at an ATM to get some cash out and I find a nice area where I think Stan could survive and take a straw and try and edge him towards the window or me so I can grab him. No such luck he disappears into the workings of my Honda and I drive off figuring well if Stan got himself into the Honda hopefully he can get himself out. It briefly occurred to me that someone planted Stan so I would have a heart attack when he showed himself or I would cause a huge pile up on the highway. But then it occurred to me that number one I am not afraid of snakes and number two you would probably have to find a slightly larger snake. So with the conspiracy theories fading fast I start to drive home and I even turned off the air conditioning figure Stan probably likes heat vs cold. He did give me another scare when he dangled from the roof off the car again I gasped and reached for my throat. He hid again at the sound of my gasp never to be seen again. I assume he got back out the way he came.

So long Stan happy trails to you.

finally the house is in the market and I have never cleaned so much in my life.

The house finally went on the market last week. I wasn't really ready for it but before I knew it pop there is was. And because it is REALLY priced to sell we are getting some action that I am not really prepared for. So I clean and clean and clean and sometimes mow and then clean and clean.... Have I ever mentioned that I am not a neat person? I am at work which is kind of strange I actually have a bottle of spray cleaner on my desk. Not sure why I am OCD at work and not at home. Oh who knows us humans are a strange bunch.

At home I am more of a do the dishes every few days if that and now i have to do the dishes ALWAYS omg what a pain in the ass. And its an old house really old talking 1775 so this old lady is not easy to clean. The stuff that lives between the old floor boards is epic I imagine whole universes living their little lives down there ignoring my attempts to suck them up with my dyson.

So in the last week I think we had 3 showings and its exhausting running home from work praying there is no traffic fixing what I can cleaning what I can and turning a blind eye on the myriad of things that are glaring in their need to be done. Then hustle the dogs and the husband into the car and figure out where to go for an hour. But it will be worth it if I can find that certain someone who will love this house and land like I did and want to return this grand lady to her former beauty.

Today is Sunday and I had a pretty lazy day coffee and breakfast making followed by shopping and lunch with my mom followed by a nap of epic proportions man I am surprised I woke up at all. So as I was contemplating a tall frosty glass of wine to combat the heat and maybe just maybe scratching something together for dinner my phone beeps and guess what? Someone wants to look at the house tomorrow at 1:30 so up I get and clean I do. I have 4 cats and one of them has taken to pooping in strange places so I go on poop patrol to find any stray poops and then keep putting stuff away one weird pile after the other.

The good thing is I think I might become a neat person after this. I woke up earlier than usual on Friday due to work stress and instead of just chilling out watching scooby doo (the dogs like it I swear) I made a cup of coffee and actually not only un-loaded the dishwasher but loaded it again. OMG that has never happened before. I made breakfast today and I cleaned it up right after we were done. OMG that happens sometimes but nah not really.

So wish me luck. I'm tired but happy people are looking and that's a good thing. .

Take a look if you like if you are handy and want a project it could just be the house for you.
http://www.zillow.com/homes/1237-west-river-rd-12831_rb/

Not so much my heart this time.

I got my haircut today short for me real short. Why? Time to shake off the old tired ways that aren't working and time to clear the deck for clarity of vision passion creativity and love. Have you ever put something off for a long time because you knew when you did it it was going to hurt and suck and make your guts feel like someone pulled them out with a hook and they spilled out on the floor. You try to pick them up and stuff them back in but they never seem to fit back right. But I know i have to do this I know I have to knock it all down and build again I know I need to break myself down and see what's left after everything is gone. Need to shake myself down to my core. I hope something is left. If not I guess that's what the loony bin is for.

After a year of talking and talking and thinking and thinking I finally put the house on the market. If you could have seen the look on my poor realtor's face when he saw it. Now Tim is a good looking tan and fit guy and I swear he walked in the door paled, aged five years and started walking with a stoop. Okay I am exaggerating a bit but not much. Finally at the end I said Tim please just tell me one thing you have seen worse right and he really couldn't. So to make matters worse 10 years ago before the market bombed we bought at the top of the market. But at the time I said who cares this is my forever home so what does it matter. Oh dear girl it matters it's not your dream home and it's time to move on.

I bought this house with my heart 100% I didn't even realize that it didn't have a bathroom on the second floor all i saw was a 1775 colonial with a historical marker in front 2 acres in the back and the glorious Hudson rolling by across the street. I never stopped to look at the structure or anything I didn't look at ANYTHING but the ideal of a house like this I bought hook line and sinker with my heart. Of course if things had gone differently if I had made different decisions thought more clearly at certain key junctions things might have worked out. But they didn't and it's time to go.

My agent listed that house 40 grand below what my in my head was the lowest I would be happy with number. Yes 40 grand. It was not an easy afternoon. As I stood there frantically trying to do math in my head trying to add up my credit card debt the balance on my mortgage what a down payment would be on the new house and closing costs and moving expenses and I am trying to add and I don't want to take my phone out to add because shit I am a grown woman child I should be able to do math in my head and the room is starting to spin and Tim looks upset because I know he can see my FACE and it's probably not good even though I think I have a good poker face I know I know he sees it all the dismay then trying to be brave trying to figure it all out trying to come to grips with it all. And then it dawns on me well that sucks but what if it doesn't even sell for that holy shit what on earth am I going to do. It's all starting its all coming down its all going to shit and I can only hope like a phoenix I can rise from the freaking ashes of my former life. My panic attacks are coming back but I expected that and I think I have the resources to deal with them. Just freaking breathe.

My aunt and Uncle are in town this weekend who I love to pieces and we decided my mom, MJ and I would go look at the one house on the market in my dream town that has the acreage that I want at a price I can afford it will be the 4th time Ive seen it. I am trying to be logical and thorough and not think with my heart but my head. They loved it and I admit it has a simple zen like quality that appeals it is certainly more simple and manageable and could be just quite the thing. On the way out my agent Tim looked at me and I said well Tim I am trying to be logical this time and buy a house that not only I can afford but that I can maintain and he said not so much your heart this time…...

Arrested Developement and looking for a time machine.

So here is a funny one....Tonight I am going with my parents to a posh cocktail party for the opening of the ballet season at SPAC and as I was getting dressed I was wondering to myself if my outfit was chic enough and if my mother would be disappointed with what I chose to wear. So as I am drying my hair I was having one of those internal arguments you have in your head with people and as I was replying to some snippy comment my mom made about my outfit (okay my mom is awesome this anxiety is all on me I am sure she will think I look fine although I might get a bit of an eye roll over my outfit) I said "I don't have time to grow up right now". WOW calling Dr. Freud holy Freudian slip. Of course I meant to say I don't have time to dress up right now which is a ridiculous thing to say anyway. Can I make any more excuses about my life? So apparently I don't think I am grown up and I am 45 years old. Again WOW!

This calls for some soul searching I think. Maybe I need to start meditating and figure out what's going on up there in the old subconscious.  I mean things are not ideal right now actually they are pretty freaking tough but I think the issues go back a bit farther than what's going on right now. Again duh of course this is all rooted somewhere back in time.... Anyone have a time machine I can borrow and a magnifying glass? Oh well as the old man Socrates says the unexamined life is not worth living...You can say that again. Wish me luck....

Call to Arms - To Create or not

my husband is stuck in just about everyway possible I painted this as a reminder yesterday while I was painting the living room.

As for everyone I am sure in life there always seems to be certain themes that occur time and time again throughout our lives. The question of creativity has always been one in mine and to be honest something that I have struggled with. I know I want to create and if I was less honest with myself I would say I don't write or paint as much as I would like because I don't have time but that's not really true because I have plenty of time to read and to watch tv well okay lets be really honest tv mostly.

And again being honest with myself I will admit that although writing this blog alleviates some of the backlog of creativity that resides in my head maybe it doesn't totally fit the bill because I don't really try all that hard. Many of my posts are fluffy and fun and are about stuff that just kind of flies out of my head into my fingers and onto the page. Instead of lessening the need to create I think it actually just serves the narcissist in me and of course makes me laugh when I am trying to be funny because nobody thinks I am funnier than I do. Food for thought.

Now the real deal for me creatively is painting and in my mind the hardest. To me painting is like throwing a bucket down a well and the bucket usually comes back empty maybe even with spiders and cobwebs and a dead frog.  So why do I even think about painting? I mean seriously I have spent about 45 minutes in the last 10 years actually painting (paint by numbers don't count) so why do I even bother contemplating it? Maybe because when it works and you can put down on the canvas what you are seeing in your minds eye there is no better feeling in the world. Its when it all clicks together and the sun aligns with something neat up in space and the clouds part and the angels sing. Yup that's what it feels like.

Why do I even feel the need to create anyway? There are plenty of people I know who don't create at all and who don't seem the least bothered by it. Hell I even know people who don't read? Don't read are you mad? What do you do with your brain? Oh well that's a topic for another day. But why do some of us seem to look for a deeper meaning in life and some of us seem absolutely find with the status quo? Beat the hell out of me brain type maybe? Upbringing? A really good philosophy teacher in college? Reading too much DH Lawrence? Oh who knows. Okay I bet somebody does but its not me.

For more thoughts on creativity and a much deeper look and well again to be honest one much better written follow the link here....Do You Have Time To Be Creative? 

Are my chickens racist?

I came home the other night at dusk and as I went to close the coop door I noticed that the 6 young chicks were all lined up on the roosting bar by breed. First came the two buff's then the two Plymouth rocks then the two araucanas and this got me thinking do they know they are different from each other and is that why they are sleeping next to their breed mate? And if they do know they are different breeds how do they know it. First I thought well they know they are different because they don't have the same coloring but then I said to myself well how the hell would they know that its not like I installed a mirror in the coop so they would know that they don't all look alike.

Now I really meant to do a study on this to gather some empirical data before I wrote about this and I envisioned maybe having a table or two for you or maybe a graph but all I have is the one night I saw this so I guess you can take it with a grain of salt and perhaps give my chickens the benefit of the doubt.

When money is tight call in the PASTA!

Booker posing with the receipt

My husband and I were arguing about money the other day and I said to him if I give you money for weed what am I going to buy groceries with and like a true addict he said I don't care about groceries and I said well I am sorry but I do like to eat. (For some background my husband smokes weed like a crack whore smokes....ok I think you get the picture). But this got me thinking and to prove a point this week I am going to shop as lean as I possibly can while still trying to eat well. What do you do when your budget is limited but you still want to eat well.....make PASTA! So meat is out which will drive him crazy not that there will be no meat but it will be a small part more like a condiment instead of the main deal. So since I have dinner with my parents on Tuesday and I usually make Tommy franks and beans or bring leftovers for dinner this mean I have to come up with 4 meals for the work week. Three of my favorites popped into my head immediately so I just need one more idea.  I wish my garden was further along than it is that is always a wealth of inspiration nothing better than letting the ingredients available in your yard decide whats for dinner.

Like everyone else I get stuck for ideas and two great websites that get me all geeked up to cook are food and wine magazine and the new york times. Both websites feature great recipes and inspiration to try new things and inspiration is always a huge bonus. So the recipes that came to me immediately are Spaghetti Carbonara, Linguine with Zucchini and Tomatoes (sounds blah but trust me it rocks) and then Spaghetti with Clams Garlic and Tomatoes. Total yum. So what about the fourth night? Now I could easily just make a red sauce but that doesn't excite me right now. Hmmm maybe go outside the Italian box and do a homemade lo mein? I also have some really nice Orecheitte in the pantry that could be a good thing. My usual budget is anywhere from 5 to 10 bucks per meal but I think with pasta I can get that down a bit even splurging a bit on a good wedge of parm and some pancetta. I think we will go with the Orecheitte now we just have to figure out what kind of sauce? Go with the old stand by of Broccoli Rabe and Sausage and Garlic? Nah not springtime enough.

Okay I have been trying to find the last recipe for about 25 minutes and after searching a  handful of websites and I cant come up with it. Too many ideas bouncing around my head but its almost time to bring the garbage to the dump before it closes and then head to the grocery store think woman think! Springtime.....peas asparagus mint ricotta clean light flavors basil tomatoes flavors heading into summer but I am already using tomatoes in two out of four dishes so.........And to make matters worse remember there is a budget so dishes featuring sexy things like burrata are out.  Okay finally fourth recipe Orecheitte with Cherry Tomatoes, White Wine Basil and Fresh Mozzarella. To make it more interesting I think I will roast the tomatoes a bit to add a little depth. So kill me 3 out of 4 recipes have tomato but hey remember its a super food so why not? Off to the store be back with a report on how I did with the budget.

So I am back from the town dump and the grocery store. I spent a total of $21.03 on the food for the next four nights so that is a grand total of $5.25 a night. Not too freaking shabby and that's buying good shit like pancetta and fresh mozzarella and decent pasta. Trust me I could have done this for much cheaper but I like the promise of low cost dinners being a little decadent too like pasta carbonara. Only problem I forgot to get something for lunch and I am hungry! Oh well! I will post the recipe for each night so stay tuned. Can two people eat well on 5 bucks a night I think they can well you be the judge
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Happy Cooking.

Chicken Update wine and chores dont always mix.

Friends stopped by yesterday and we started talking about the chickens and I was explaining how once I introduced the new chicks to the big hen she would probably torment them a little bit to establish the pecking order etc but since she was outnumber six to one I thought not any one chicken would suffer too much. One friend said oh is that where that phrase comes from and i said yep just like hen pecked and he started to laugh and commented that he knew all about that. Ha marriage is funny.  Interesting where phrases come from though just think "fed up" "under my thumb" and "wrapped around your little finger" all come from falconry.  Fed up is when a bird as fed and is mellow under my thumb is when you secure the jesses around your thumb and wrapped around your little finger is when you take the jesses and well you get it....cool stuff right? Well maybe not maybe you fell back asleep.

Anyway the chickens spent the day in an old dog cage next to the hens run. And later in the day the hen seemed to forget about them so when we got home right around nightfall from watching the triple crown with my parents and going out to dinner I decided hey the big hen is probably almost asleep this could be the perfect time to put the juvies in the coop. Okay now you should not attempt farm chores of this kind after a couple of glasses of wine.

First with Tommys help with tried to put the dog crate on top of the run but then we were smooshing their feet so take two i just opened the door and grabbed (gently) each bird and tossed her (again gently) into the coop. I told Tommy to go inside as I figured I had it all in hand (another hawking reference maybe hmmmm) it wasn't until then that I noticed that one chicken had gotten through the cracks when we picked up the dog crate off the run and was now sitting on top of the run slightly confused. And of course as I tried to grab her and get her into the coop i dropped her and she ran into the very very dense weeds near the garage. By this time the sun had set and as I tried to look for her I knew I was never going to catch her in the dark and she wasn't obliging me my peeping so i could freaking locate her. So I settled everyone else in for the night figuring Ella would be fine luckily we do not have alot of nighttime predators here the biggest predator they face is Lulu the pitbull mix.

So at six a.m. this morning (I am not an early riser on the weekend) I woke up with a start remembering the chicken and at the same time for some reason trying to remember the judd lady who is an actress...just came to me ashley.  So i ran outside in my nightgown with no shoes on forgetting how chilly it was going to get last night and low and behold the 5 chickens where in the run and Emma the escapee was next to them just separated by the fencing. So deep breath still have six new chickens I didn't kill anything yet.

Now the next task is trying to capture the little devil...At this point my feet where blue so i dashed back in for shoes and finally after looking like an idiot running in circles around the coop trying to catch a chicken she got distracted by the evil attentions of Mrs. Fluffybottom and I managed to grab her. So now all six juvenile birds are in the run cowering from the older hen. But like i had hope she is outnumbered and doesn't manage to actually peck any of them they just run and as time goes by today she seems to be losing interest.

Update: just went outside and checked on everyone good news the hen is chilling out taking a dust bath and the juvies are eating and drinking and seem happy OMG did something i tried actually work?

Enough adventure for the day time to start painting this house....Cheers.

Getting the juvie chickens out of the house FINALLY!!

Mrs Fluffybottom

Finally it is nice enough out to start getting the new chickens acclimated to the one older hen I have left Mrs. Fluffybottom. I meant to do it earlier this week but the weather was kind of cold and I figured a few more days of hanging out in the laundry room wouldnt kill them. Athough I am certainly ready to NOT have chickens in my house. My house is odiferous enough thank you with two dogs and four cats, six chickens added a certain je ne sais quoi to the mix which i really do not need. So today is breezy but gorgeous and Tommy helped me carry out the dog crate full of chickens outside we placed it next to the run so they could see eachother and hopefully get used to eachother before I put them into the coop. The seem pretty happy so far and I think the peeking with be lessened since the older hen is certainly out numbered. I stopped naming my chickens awhile back but when I told the girl at the feed store she seemed so disapointed in me I figured I would though caution to the wind and name them all. And in the spirit of George Foreman I decided to use names that all begin with "E".  So the two buffs are eliza jane and eliose...the two araucanas are esther (after my grandmother) and Euphemia (where did that one come from funny first name that popped into my head) the two plymouth rocks are emma and ella.  See how much restraint I showed not one of them is named after myself Elizabeth.  Proud of me right?

This one is Esther named for my rockstar 97 year young grandmother

What to do with almost a pound of ground beef and not much else? Jamaican Beef Patties!

Okay I had a day off from work today and stopped by the local market to get something for lunch and on a hunch a picked up some nice looking ground beef for dinner figured worst case scenario I would make tacos or burgers. But then the wheels starting turning and I have been really trying to cook creatively lately digging a little deeper than what first pops in my head. And for some reason today while I was updating my resume making Jamaican Beef Patties for dinner popped in my head. Now I dont know if my husband Tommy will be on board or not but that doesnt really bother me too much (good thing I dont have kids) in my house get on the bus for dinner or make yourself a freaking hot dog. I found my go to recipe for this (Jeff Smith - The Frugal Gourment On Our Immigrant Ancestors 1990) (shit am I really that old?) now i happen to be without the scallion and onion called for in the recipe but they should be still good I will amp up the garlic a bit! If you use the recipe below and happen to have a onion and some scallions go with one medium onion small dice and 2 scallions finely diced and again if you have it toss in a half a jalepeno diced fine into the ground beef mixture). Its rainy cold and coldy here today so this dinner should get the blood heated!
Enjoy!

Jamaican Beef Patties (12 small appetizer sized or six large me sized for dinner)

For Filling:
1 lb-ish ground beef your choice (turkey would probably work too hell with curry who cares)
3 cloves garlic minced fine
1 tsp ground thyme
1-1/2 tablespoon curry powder
1 tsp paprika
1/3 c bread crumbs
1/2 c water
salt and pepper
note: I added a healthy dash of cayenne pepper in place of the jalepeno.

For Dough
3 cups all purpose flour
2 tsp curry powder
1/2 tsp tumeric
1 tsp salt
2  cups crisco
1 egg
1 tbl white vinegar
3-4 tbl ice water

Filling:
In a large saute pan add oil garlic (onions scallions and jalepeno if you have them) and cook for a few minutes only they soften add ground beef and cook over medium heat until crumbly. Add in spices and bread crumbs stir till combined and spices are fragrant. Add water and still until absorbed. Add salt and pepper. Turn off heat and allow to cool.

Dough:
In a large bowl mix flour curry powder and salt together. Add shortening and cut in with a pastry blender or two forks. Mix till crumbly and it resembles coarse cornmeal. Add vinegar to egg and mix then add to flour mixture. If its still too crumbly and wont come together add ice water until it does. Stir till it comes together (like a pie crust) then flour liberally your work service (liberally this dough is super short) Once it comes together divide into either 12 or 6 pieces. Form each piece into a ball and roll out using lots of flour into a circle about 3 inches for small and 6 for big. I divide the meat into the same amount of servings to make it easy and to make sure they are even. The grab one portion of beef (if its cool just use your hands easiest way) and place on the dough not quite on center but on one side so when you fold the dough over it forms a half moon like a calzone. Crimp edges with a fork or with your fingers. The dough was so mallable even when I missed it up it was easy just to rebuild it a it like a bionic beef pattie.  Cook in a 400 degree oven for 25-30 minutes.

Im not in Kansas anymore.....notes from the country

Not sure if I haven't written about this or not but there were many things that confused me and some that still do when I moved to upstate NY a little over 10 years ago. Here are a few of my favorite observations or confusions.....

People having fake plastic animals or the cutouts of animals in their yard. Sometimes there are a little vignette of plastic deer or the black cutouts of moose or bears. The first time I saw the black bear cutout I almost drove off the road because it was quite far away and yes I thought it was real. I panicked because there were horses nearby and I thought it was stalking them. Still not sure the reason people have them are they trying to attract animals repel animals or just make me drive off the road? Maybe they have hidden cameras setup and the laugh every time someone drives by and does a double take. Kin to this is well coverings that look like little doghouses for very very short dogs. This one I pondered for a long long time I just couldn't figure out why you would put such a short dog or doll house in your yard. Finally I mumbled something while driving with my husband and he said um idiot they are decorative pieces to cover well heads. Well he probably didn't say it like that.

Another one is outside wood burning furnaces. This one took me awhile to figure out at first I just thought people in upstate NY were crazy about smoking meat. Maybe after luring deer to their yard by using the fake plastic animals above they smoked the meat? Finally after getting a subscription to Mother Earth news I figured out via the ads in the back that these were actually a furnaces and not smokers. Too bad someone doesn't invent a hybrid that does both now that would be neat.

A great perk to country living? Hell you don't want something you put it out in your front yard near the road with a "free" sign on it and no matter how obscure the object is someone sooner or later will take it. Now this could be the blender jar to a blender you no longer have the cookie sheet to a toaster oven that broke it doesn't matter have patience someone will take it. I have seen the strangest things for offer and a day or two later they will be gone. I am going to test this soon too as we are getting closer to getting the house on the market. Stuff I don't want I am just putting it out there and seeing what happens.

A frivolous post but these are some of my thoughts driving on country lanes on my way to work. Got to think and ponder about something right?

Thoughts on growing up and old.

My dish was messed up this weekend so I had to go to my ipad to watch a little boob tube. I choose to catch up on the HBO show "Girls" for fun. I kind of thought because the show is about twenty somethings I wouldn't really be able to relate to it in a present I am 45 sense although I knew it would bring back plenty of memories of my twenties. But I was very surprised how the themes and variations of the show resonate with me still today. Well except the part where everyone has sex with everyone and anyone all the time. That still doesn't happen to me.

So many themes.....creativity and being an artist who really is an artist and should the rest of us pick up the tab?  Just because you want to be an artist does it mean you shouldn't have to support yourself until you can make it doing whatever art it is you want to do? If your dream is not sustainable and you end up allowing others to enable you by helping you is that right? How important is being authentic to yourself and others in achieving your goals?

What do you want to be when you grow up? Man I am still wrestling with this one but the thing I am figuring out is you never really grow up so don't freak out you don't know what you want to do just do want you want now and figure the rest out later. Now this is really freeing for me I love that it just opens up endless possibilities of re-inventing yourself and your dreams. I think we all get stuck in this shoe box starting when you are young when we get questioned at a young age so little jimmy what do you want to be when you grow up. I always wanted to answer how the bleep should I know I am six and besides the only options I could come up was principal dancer with the American Ballet Theater or a jockey. Both extremely improbable but hey I was just a kid.

To be honest I have never known what I wanted to do and maybe I never will. I took a finding meaning in your life quiz the other day and I came up with two passions in my life one is growing food and the other is cooking. So then a light bulb went off in my head and said well maybe one day I will combine the two to create business along the lines of "from my garden to your table" and start a catering company. I brought this up casually last night at dinner with my parents and my mother immediately said what a great idea and apparently my dad made a face which my mother called him out on. So I said don't worry mom that's just the face Dad makes when I mention leaving corporate America. She said oh I thought it was his beer.

What have I taken away from the show so far? Always use a condom, people are complicated some more than others, artist are usually major narcissists, I should have had more sex in my twenties I let problems with my body image hold me back, no matter your age its okay to reinvent yourself and find new dreams. Never growing up in the popular sense of the phrase is a good thing.

Coming to grips on your inner asshole and patience is not my virtue.

Okay its been one of those days were I am certainly not shining as a human. Today my husband has to have a MRI to see whats going on with his health. I think he might have had another small stroke and maybe this time its not so small but we shall wait and see. He is there now while I am at work pretending to care about envelopes (yes that's what I do for a living envelopes don't ask). At times like this, times of stress anxiety and of muttering to yourself is this really my life you like to think that you will be this great compassionate caring nurturing nurse type person.

So far today it hasn't worked out like that and I am kind of ashamed of myself.  We woke up early so I could drop him off at my parents house so my kind Dad could drive him to the MRI and before we left I suggested his take his bottle of Xanax with him in case he had a panic attack. So little did I know that he instead of just taking the bottle with him he ended up taking 2. Yup 2 and these aren't little ones either these are big daddys.

So needless to say about 20 minutes into our journey he starts to sway in his chair and I say (insert expletive) how many did you take? So I pull into my parents driveway and he starts to puke and I yell what the hell are you doing. I guess im a little cranky at 7am on a Monday morning. So I stop yelling and jump out of the car grab something to clean him up with and for a minute stop being a major bitch I even had to have a short time out with myself like lady stop freaking yelling at him and take care of him what the hell is wrong with you.

Needless say I finish pulling into the driveway and he starts to walk into the house but he is pretty unsteady on his feet (part Xanax part too much weed and part whatever is wrong) so he knocks over a planter and once again I jump out of the car run to help get him into my parents house and with my Dad's help get him safely to the sofa. And with that I leave to go to work.

My mom just called and said that he is home safe but that he left his phone with my Dad so now I have no way to talk to him to one apologize and two to see how things went. I don't think we will have the results right away. Where do you find patience when the well is  dry? When you feel so on edge you are defiantly not the best version of yourself?

Symphony in Brown

 

Took the dogs out for the first real walk of the season yesterday. Booker managed to get into every puddle we came across but I was right behind him I love stomping in puddles always have and hopefully I always will. I remember when I was little coming into the house drenched from splashing around in puddles. I don't go that far any more but Booker sure does. But being a dachshund mix he is low to the ground so hes pretty apt to get pretty dirty quick. The farmer who bought the farm land around me turned many of the large hay fields into corn fields so right now until the corn is planted and sprouts we are looking at a 196 acres of brown. Very brown. Beautiful in its own right and I named it a symphony in brown yesterday while walking the dogs.

This is a picture post walk of Booker taking a well earned nap.